Tag Archives: will young

Best Subtitling Disasters of 2011

Let me explain. We’ve got a telly that automatically turns on subtitles when we hit Mute. And we hit Mute a lot: to play something exciting that’s just popped up on the internet, to leave the telly on while doing something else (because brightly lit moving wallpaper is brilliant), or when one of those adverts with babies in it comes on.

Poor J-Lo :-(

So it’s a very clever and helpful feature, but the subtitles do tend to get stuck if we’ve changed channels since the last time we muted. Like in these examples. The first one got a warm reception when I tweeted it back in July so I’ve been saving them up since then. Just for you.

Some of Gary's X Factor judgements were a bit harsh this year

No, that's Gail's actual hair

Yet another quirky video treatment from Will Young

Alan Carr and Tulisa consider how different things might have been

Diana Vickers has an AMAZING secret to share with us

Advertisements

The ridiculous world of the deluxe album version

Björk’s taking the piss with a luxury £500 edition of her new album. Perhaps it’s time that other artists got creative and did the same.

Bargain

The Ultimate Edition of Björk’s new album Biophilia comes in a “lacquered and silkscreened Oak hinged lid case containing the Biophilia Manual, along with 10 chrome-plated tuning forks, silkscreened on one face in 10 different colors, stamped at the back, and presented in a flocked tray. Each fork adjusted to the tone of each of the tracks from Biophilia and covering a complete octave in a non-conventional scale.” Amazing. No, hang on, not amazing! What was she thinking? No, it’s alright, don’t write in, I know what she was thinking. FIVE HUNDRED POUNDS, that’s what she was thinking. I mean she’s never been shy of tapping her fans for a bit of cash, but this is an impressive new level of milking it.

Here’s how some forthcoming releases might look in game-raising special editions:

Will Young – Echoes

To reflect Will’s love of the dressing-up box, the deluxe album will come with a Will Young action figure and several interchangeable outfits so that you can play with Military tribunal Will, Circus artist Will, 70s Blue Peter Will, Equestrian Will, Superhero Will, Pregnant Will, Top Gun Will or of course the very popular Speedos Will. £75

Dolly Parton – Better Day

Dolly’s keen to rebuild bridges with the gay community after her recent apology  to someone who wasn’t allowed into Dollywood wearing a t-shirt promoting gay marriage (although she still supports the decision, saying the slogan was too controversial for a family theme park). At the same time she’s gearing up to promote the UK release of her new album by talking about her 1984 hysterectomy.

So the special ‘Hate The Sin, Love The Sinner!’ edition of Better Day will come packaged with a home insemination kit aimed at gay couples. (It is a standard insemination kit with a pink triangle drawn on it. Although in a terrible mix-up I’ve used a picture of a bovine insemination kit. Because I’m never above a cheap laugh.) £180

Example – Playing in the Shadows

Example’s ‘highly-anticipated’ third album is pitched at the youth market, so sadly no ultra-expensive special edition will be available. However every copy bought on pre-order will include a free hairbrush. £7.99

Tori Amos – Night of Hunters

Tori’s new album, released through Deutsche Grammophon (!), is “a 21st century song cycle inspired by classical music themes spanning over 400 years.” From Bach to Satie and so on. Yes, like Hooked on Classics. In keeping with the tracknames on the album, the special edition will include some snow, a cactus, a coffin, a ghost and the Moon. £4,500

Matt Cardle

Matt Cardle’s debut album — which I’m forced to assume will be called ‘Not Final Art’ — faces the difficult task of uniting his disparate fanbase, from the plucky painters and decorators who wish they too could go on a journey like his to the mums at home who voted for him on X Factor. And it will need to convey that Matt is a proper indie artist, not like the rest of the rubbish in the charts. So the ‘Genuine Geezer’ edition will be presented in a CD player fashioned to look like a plasterer’s radio, will come with a 28-page pamphlet in which Matt assures women of all sizes and ages that he finds them attractive, and will include just enough rope to hang yourself with. £28

Thanks to the lovely @itnorris for suggesting I write this post after seeing my rant about Björk on Twitter. Sorry that ‘Katy B trowels’ didn’t make it in…

The Bert Awards 2011

Hello and welcome to the inaugural Bert Awards, during which I will be making a fist of this year’s Brit Awards highlights.

Best Grooming

Where else on primetime TV do you get to see a man in his thirties leaning into the face of an uncomfortable-looking 16-year old boy to say “You smell amazing! How old are you? No really, how old are you??” But the pheromonal appeal of Justin Bieber reduced James Corden to just such a state. Amazing.

Best Rioting

A difficult one to judge. And unexpected. It seemed that every other act had been down that shop they advertise near my work [pictured] to kit themselves out before the show.

Plan B put a good effort in, with the prison-yard violence and the setting people on fire and everything, but the award has to go to Take That, whose choreographed kettling was particularly joyful.

Best Slurring

I’m not sure what had gotten into Cheryl Cole before she lurched on to present the Best International Female award. Half a box of Nytol, by the sounds of it. Dull, limp and lifeless.

Best Sulking

Has anyone ever turned up to present an award with as thunderous-faced a glare as Will “I’m making a documentary about Coriolanus you know” Young did? Was it because he’d been paired with Avril Lavigne? Was it all beneath him? Bad show.

Best Duetting

All night we were shouting at the telly: ‘When’s the big duet? Who will it be?’ Because even though these unlikely popstar pairings are the best part of the event, one big collaboration per year is the best you can hope for these days.

And what a disappointment. I love Cee Lo, but hate watered-down versions of overplayed songs. Especially one he’s already done with a ‘surprise guest’ a few days ago (at the Grammys, with Gwyneth Paltrow). And who was it who came on to play Mika to his Beth Ditto? Just Paloma “Plan B’s mum” Faith.

If it had been left up to me, the big finish would have been Corinne Bailey Rae collaborating with Rastamouse. She would have sung with all the sadness of every orphan in the Mouseland orphanage, and he would have made a bad ting good. But this is why I am not, yet, in charge of the Brits.