Tag Archives: torchwood

Adverts explained: John Lewis – Never Knowingly Undersold

HI I’M A PLUCKY OUTGOING YOUNG WOMAN FROM 1925 LOOKING FOR A POTENTIAL RELATIONSHIP OR A BIT OF BARNEYMUGGING WITH A KEEN 2012 DADDY

Gosh I bet society’s changed a lot since your day, I’m not sure we could ever make it work!

NOT REALLY, MANY CORE VALUES AND EXPERIENCES ARE THE SAME, ESPECIALLY THOSE ESPOUSED BY THE JOHN LEWIS BRAND

Why are you shouting by the way?

I’M USING A TELEGRAPH MACHINE STOP

Stop what?

DON’T START THAT

Culture has changed so much since your day! We won’t have any common reference points!

I THINK YOU’LL FIND THAT IF YOU’RE MIDDLE CLASS AND CAN AFFORD NICE THINGS FROM JOHN LEWIS, NOTHING CHANGES ALL THAT MUCH

Fair.

WHAT’S THAT MUSIC YOU’VE GOT ON IN 2012?

It’s Paloma Faith covering INXS. It encapsulates the cuteness of how our time-crossed lovers’ feelings are different but the same.

WOULDN’T AN ILL-ADVISED DUBSTEP VERSION OF THE CHARLESTON BE A BETTER FIT FOR OUR TIMEZONES?

It wouldn’t wash with the Mumsnet crowd. But you’ve got Doop to look forward to in 70 years!

SO HOW SHALL WE WORK THIS?

Like Gary and Phoebe in Goodnight Sweetheart maybe? Unless Gary ever checked on Phoebe’s gravestone in the present day. I don’t think he did. Oh! Or like Gideon and Edith in The Invisibles!

I THINK GIDEON DID IT WITH HER WHEN SHE WAS AN OLD LADY IN THE 1990s TOO

I’m not sure about that babes. Hang on I’ll check if there was something in Torchwood.

TORCHWOOD?

Oh no you’re dumping me aren’t you.

DON’T BE SILLY DARLING. JOHN LEWIS! WE’VE GOT THE CHRISTMAS CAMPAIGN TO THINK OF…

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Monsters at Home: The 456

Turkey Twizzlers "now only the second worst poultry-based threat to children", new studies suggest

It’s nearly time for another episode in the new series of Torchwood! Unless you live in America, in which case you’ll have to wait until last week to see it. I’m enjoying Miracle Day, although by internet law I’m forced to point out that it’s not as good as 2009’s Children of Earth. That was a Torchwood series that managed to be exciting, upsetting, terrifying and passionate all in one go. And the monsters! They were horrible. Yes, yes, THE MONSTERS WERE US, I know. But that’s a trick that takes some pulling off when you’ve introduced a race as nasty as interstellar paedos the 456. Let’s take a look at their home life.

WHAT DO THEY EAT Due to their embarrassing gastric condition, which has them uncontrollably spewing up viscous acid at all the most awkward moments, the 456 have been put on a diet designed to “settle their stomachs” by their mums. This includes chicken noodle soup, dry Jacob’s crackers and flat 7-Up.

HOW DO THEY SOCIALISE It’s a struggle. The heavy atmosphere they breathe envelops them in a constant blue haze, they’ve got kidnapped children to drag along behind them, and I’ve mentioned the vomiting problem. But they get by. The combination of a toxic fug, kids who shouldn’t be there and people chucking up everywhere reminds me very much of pubs in Manchester before the smoking ban.

Fugging hell.

WHAT DO THEY DRINK Andrews Liver Salts.

WHAT DO THEY WATCH ON TELLY Despite their fearsome reputation, the 456 enjoy a bit of knockabout fun as much as anyone. They’re often to be found in front of You’ve Been Framed. “An injury to one is an injury to all!” they laugh as a cat falls off a slide.

WHAT DO THEY DO FOR FUN Well as we saw in Torchwood, the 456 turn children into hookahs. And please do point out the spelling there, if you’re reading this aloud to your loved ones. We learned that kids produce a chemical that acts as a recreational drug to our vomity friends. And the 456 can control their minds and make them do as they please. Oh it leads to some horrible thoughts, doesn’t it. But that’s why they’re monsters! And this column is about the lighter side of monsterdom. So I like to imagine the 456 staging productions of Bugsy Malone. “We could have been anything that we wanted to be!” sing the sad, dead-eyed children in their gasmasks, crying with fear. You see? The lighter side!

Did the earth move for you?

HOW DO THEY REPRODUCE I think the 456 probably have the most exciting sex life of any monster I’ve covered on this blog to date. Look at them! They travel in pillars of fire, they’re constantly high on drugs, they wave mysterious dripping appendages around in semi-darkened rooms, and three heads are better than one. “We have a request. We want a gift,” they boom seductively. They’d get it. You know they would.

I did not make the following video. But it made me laugh when I was “researching” this post:

The Secret Diary of Rose Tyler’s Adventures In The Sex Industry

This week it’s the final episode of Secret Diary Of A Call Girl. At its best it’s been fresh, funny, and happily non-judgmental about the hardest-working profession in the world. The scripts have been uneven but Billie Piper’s carried it all along with her natural charms. And when I say her natural charms, I’m not even talking about her norks. I like Billie a lot, and I think her relaxed charisma’s saved what might otherwise have been a tacky, forgettable series.

But as a nerd that’s not my main concern. Billie came to this show from Doctor Who, and, as things turned out, so did a lot of her co-stars. So if you have a tendency to get your fictional worlds mixed up (hello!) that’s a sort of geek catnip.

When Rose Tyler eventually returned to Who, she’d been crossing parallel worlds in a lovelorn quest to find the Doctor again. So it’s easy* to imagine that Hannah/Belle from Call Girl is Rose, living through alternate lives with the people she had, might and would have met in the Whoniverse.

I give you then, in rough ascending order of the characters’ importance in the worlds of Doctor Who, those crossover shags in full:

8. D.I. McMillan from Planet of the Dead (Adam James) – Episode 2.3

How’s the sex? Guilty. His visits to Belle are responsible for the break-up of his marriage. While noshing on his cock, Belle starts hallucinating that his wife’s in the room – awkward.

How does it fit in with Who? He’s the policeman responsible for chasing down the Doctor’s cat burglar chum Lady Christina, who’s always one step ahead of him. So it’s only natural he’d gravitate to original companion Rose. And be too dim to realise who she is.

7. Captain Reynolds from Tooth and Claw (Jamie Sives) – Episode 1.2

How’s the sex? It’s an exhibitionist hook-up at a sex party, which develops into a threesome.

How does it fit in with Who? The first time he met Rose, he famously asked the Doctor to “explain the nakedness of this girl!” Then, after getting told off by Queen Victoria for trying too hard socially, he got torn to shreds by a werewolf. No surprise that in this version of existence he’s a bit more free and easy.

6. Plantagenet from Frontios/Mr. Harding from The Sarah Jane Adventures: Mona Lisa’s Revenge (Jeff Rawle) – Episode 2.4

How’s the sex? Abortive. Already a bit put off by his 70s pimp gear, Belle runs off when she starts thinking about her new boyfriend instead. “You’re a prostitute for God’s sake!” he shouts, memorably.

How does it fit in with Who? It depends whether you see Belle’s client as the sickly head of a human colony in the distant future, or the distant admirer of a human head in the Louvre. Either way, this encounter doesn’t do anyone any favours so it’s best brushed over.

5.  Captain Jack Harkness from Torchwood: Captain Jack Harkness (Matt Rippy) – Episode 3.1

How’s the sex? She looks like she’s really getting into it. Playful, passionate and intimate. She grabs his bum a lot.

How does it fit in with Who? *FANWANK ALERT* This is the original 1940s Captain Jack whose identity John Barrowman’s Captain Jack stole after his death, and later time-travelled to visit in 1941 for a dancehall snog. (Yes, I know. Pay attention.)

Now when Barrowman’s Captain Jack and Rose travelled together in the TARDIS they were supposedly on the brink of falling in love, but when re-united in The Stolen Earth/Journey’s End they barely had two words for one another. It’s odd, considering Rose was responsible for making Jack immortal, and he apparently mooned around the Powell Estate watching her grow up in the 00s after their separation. We just have to assume they’d both got it out of their systems before the reunion: Barrowman with Ianto and Rose with this, the next best thing. NICE BOTTOM.

4. Doctor Moon from Silence In The Library/Forest of the Dead (Colin Salmon) – Episode 1.8

How’s the sex? Powerful. He’s the multi-millionaire who’s so impressed with Belle’s ‘class’ that he tries to take her to ‘the next level’ as a ‘courtesan’.

How does it fit in with Who? Appropriate that the man who’ll become, quite literally, Best Friends Forever with another important woman in the Doctor’s life after her death should have a pop at Rose too. And that it should all turn out to be a bit of a pipe dream.

3. PC Andy from Torchwood (Tom Price) – Episode 3.3

How does it fit in with Who? We’re onto recurring characters now, and cult hero PC Andy has had one of the best character progressions in Torchwood, going from occasional comedy relief to full-on people’s hero.

How’s the sex? On the other hand this is one of the most unwholesome scenes in TV history, in which a dopey Welshman is shown to be incapable of sex unless he and the girl both baa like a sheep throughout. Lamentable.

2. Mr. Chandra from The Sarah Jane Adventures (Ace Bhatti) – Episodes 1.3, 1.5 & 2.8

How’s the sex? We see a fair bit of Haresh Chandra, as he’s Belle’s favourite client. And when I say we see a fair bit, I’m talking about a blowjob, a session up against a full-length window, a threesome, and one of the most vigorous and vivid handjobs I’ve ever seen on TV.

How does it fit in with Who? This is the closest Rose has got to the Doctor yet – he’s Clyde’s headmaster, Rani’s dad, and her friend Sarah Jane’s neighbour. And of all the characters in this list, it’s genuinely easy to believe that he’s the same guy, slipping away from Gita and his responsibilities for regular stress-relief sessions and calling himself Ashok. Sexy.

1. The 11th Doctor (Matt Smith) – Episode 1.6

How’s the sex? Fortunately for the delicate sensibilities of fanboys and fangirls everywhere, it’s off-screen sex. Matt’s character’s not a client, just a nice guy who meets Belle in the shop where he works and never finds out what she does for a living. We just get to see his “morning nuzzle”.

How does it fit in with Who? It’s the Doctor. Job done. I just suggest we hold this thought in the eventuality that the line “I work in a shop now” comes up in the next season of Who.

*OK, this stuff is only easy to imagine if you’re an addled old fool like me. But consider this: in the final series, Billie visits New York, and how does she advertise her services there? ‘Call Now For A Classic English Rose’