Tag Archives: sex

Monsters at Home: Mr. Noseybonk and the Mara

As 1982 Week continues, we’re going behind the scenes with two of the most feared telly creations of the era, because oh yes – they’re together at last. If you need a primer on either of them before we get going, click Play below…

WHAT DO THEY EAT Oh it’d be easy to assume the Mara’s always shoving the Fruit of Temptation in Noseybonk’s face. But no, not on their evenings off. Instead the Mara will offer Noseybonk a disclosing tablet. Noseybonk will accept it with a curious grin. He wil crunch away at it until the teeth in his perfect white head are as pink as newborn mice. And then how they’ll laugh.

HOW DO THEY SOCIALISE I do try, in ‘Monsters At Home’, to emphasise the carefree, fun times that go on behind the scenes. But there’s no two ways about it, the Mara and Noseybonk are unpopular, feared figures in their neighbourhood. Noseybonk’s banned from the garden centre after *that* incident and the Mara, who works part-time on Saturday in the tattoo parlour, just can’t seem to get along with anyone.

WHAT DO THEY DRINK The Mara enjoys a nice drop of snakebite and Noseybonk will have a snifter of anything.

WHAT DO THEY WATCH ON TELLY Delighting in chaos, and the madness and suffering of others, the Mara enjoys putting its foot up in front of the latest edition of Game For A Laugh. Noseybonk preferes something a little less harrowing, and titters along with Tenko.

WHAT DO THEY DO FOR FUN The Mara loves to play draughts. It flicks on the reverse mood lighting in the Dark Places Of The Inside, pops a Kate Bush tape in the hi-fi, and challenges Noseybonk to best it. Noseybonk looks up from his jigsaw. He surveys the board. His face bobs up and down approvingly. His blank eyes glint. Which leads us to:

HOW DO THEY REPRODUCE All that subtle Buddhist demon stuff, with the Mara propagating itself through tapping into people’s secret fears and desires in dreams – that’s just the day job, and physically it’s a snake like any other. So its true broodiness is expressed with a longing for a pronging from Noseybonk’s most impressive appendage, and a nice clutch of eggs to follow. Goodnight everyone!

The Secret Diary of Rose Tyler’s Adventures In The Sex Industry

This week it’s the final episode of Secret Diary Of A Call Girl. At its best it’s been fresh, funny, and happily non-judgmental about the hardest-working profession in the world. The scripts have been uneven but Billie Piper’s carried it all along with her natural charms. And when I say her natural charms, I’m not even talking about her norks. I like Billie a lot, and I think her relaxed charisma’s saved what might otherwise have been a tacky, forgettable series.

But as a nerd that’s not my main concern. Billie came to this show from Doctor Who, and, as things turned out, so did a lot of her co-stars. So if you have a tendency to get your fictional worlds mixed up (hello!) that’s a sort of geek catnip.

When Rose Tyler eventually returned to Who, she’d been crossing parallel worlds in a lovelorn quest to find the Doctor again. So it’s easy* to imagine that Hannah/Belle from Call Girl is Rose, living through alternate lives with the people she had, might and would have met in the Whoniverse.

I give you then, in rough ascending order of the characters’ importance in the worlds of Doctor Who, those crossover shags in full:

8. D.I. McMillan from Planet of the Dead (Adam James) – Episode 2.3

How’s the sex? Guilty. His visits to Belle are responsible for the break-up of his marriage. While noshing on his cock, Belle starts hallucinating that his wife’s in the room – awkward.

How does it fit in with Who? He’s the policeman responsible for chasing down the Doctor’s cat burglar chum Lady Christina, who’s always one step ahead of him. So it’s only natural he’d gravitate to original companion Rose. And be too dim to realise who she is.

7. Captain Reynolds from Tooth and Claw (Jamie Sives) – Episode 1.2

How’s the sex? It’s an exhibitionist hook-up at a sex party, which develops into a threesome.

How does it fit in with Who? The first time he met Rose, he famously asked the Doctor to “explain the nakedness of this girl!” Then, after getting told off by Queen Victoria for trying too hard socially, he got torn to shreds by a werewolf. No surprise that in this version of existence he’s a bit more free and easy.

6. Plantagenet from Frontios/Mr. Harding from The Sarah Jane Adventures: Mona Lisa’s Revenge (Jeff Rawle) – Episode 2.4

How’s the sex? Abortive. Already a bit put off by his 70s pimp gear, Belle runs off when she starts thinking about her new boyfriend instead. “You’re a prostitute for God’s sake!” he shouts, memorably.

How does it fit in with Who? It depends whether you see Belle’s client as the sickly head of a human colony in the distant future, or the distant admirer of a human head in the Louvre. Either way, this encounter doesn’t do anyone any favours so it’s best brushed over.

5.  Captain Jack Harkness from Torchwood: Captain Jack Harkness (Matt Rippy) – Episode 3.1

How’s the sex? She looks like she’s really getting into it. Playful, passionate and intimate. She grabs his bum a lot.

How does it fit in with Who? *FANWANK ALERT* This is the original 1940s Captain Jack whose identity John Barrowman’s Captain Jack stole after his death, and later time-travelled to visit in 1941 for a dancehall snog. (Yes, I know. Pay attention.)

Now when Barrowman’s Captain Jack and Rose travelled together in the TARDIS they were supposedly on the brink of falling in love, but when re-united in The Stolen Earth/Journey’s End they barely had two words for one another. It’s odd, considering Rose was responsible for making Jack immortal, and he apparently mooned around the Powell Estate watching her grow up in the 00s after their separation. We just have to assume they’d both got it out of their systems before the reunion: Barrowman with Ianto and Rose with this, the next best thing. NICE BOTTOM.

4. Doctor Moon from Silence In The Library/Forest of the Dead (Colin Salmon) – Episode 1.8

How’s the sex? Powerful. He’s the multi-millionaire who’s so impressed with Belle’s ‘class’ that he tries to take her to ‘the next level’ as a ‘courtesan’.

How does it fit in with Who? Appropriate that the man who’ll become, quite literally, Best Friends Forever with another important woman in the Doctor’s life after her death should have a pop at Rose too. And that it should all turn out to be a bit of a pipe dream.

3. PC Andy from Torchwood (Tom Price) – Episode 3.3

How does it fit in with Who? We’re onto recurring characters now, and cult hero PC Andy has had one of the best character progressions in Torchwood, going from occasional comedy relief to full-on people’s hero.

How’s the sex? On the other hand this is one of the most unwholesome scenes in TV history, in which a dopey Welshman is shown to be incapable of sex unless he and the girl both baa like a sheep throughout. Lamentable.

2. Mr. Chandra from The Sarah Jane Adventures (Ace Bhatti) – Episodes 1.3, 1.5 & 2.8

How’s the sex? We see a fair bit of Haresh Chandra, as he’s Belle’s favourite client. And when I say we see a fair bit, I’m talking about a blowjob, a session up against a full-length window, a threesome, and one of the most vigorous and vivid handjobs I’ve ever seen on TV.

How does it fit in with Who? This is the closest Rose has got to the Doctor yet – he’s Clyde’s headmaster, Rani’s dad, and her friend Sarah Jane’s neighbour. And of all the characters in this list, it’s genuinely easy to believe that he’s the same guy, slipping away from Gita and his responsibilities for regular stress-relief sessions and calling himself Ashok. Sexy.

1. The 11th Doctor (Matt Smith) – Episode 1.6

How’s the sex? Fortunately for the delicate sensibilities of fanboys and fangirls everywhere, it’s off-screen sex. Matt’s character’s not a client, just a nice guy who meets Belle in the shop where he works and never finds out what she does for a living. We just get to see his “morning nuzzle”.

How does it fit in with Who? It’s the Doctor. Job done. I just suggest we hold this thought in the eventuality that the line “I work in a shop now” comes up in the next season of Who.

*OK, this stuff is only easy to imagine if you’re an addled old fool like me. But consider this: in the final series, Billie visits New York, and how does she advertise her services there? ‘Call Now For A Classic English Rose’

Monsters at home: the Aliens

The ‘Xenomorphs’ as some fans clumsily insist on calling them (in conversation I simply refer to them as “the Aliens from Alien, Aliens, Alien 3, Alien Resurrection, Alien vs. Predator and Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem”) get as rough a press as any monster. They’re stereotyped as slavering, parasitical biomechanical killers, but their quality time is spent far more gently and it’s time to lift the lid.

WHAT DO THEY EAT It’s tough spending all day eating people. And when you’ve got acid for blood, you’re going to need something to settle the stomach. As thealkalinefoods.com tells us, too much acid can lead to a loss of essential minerals such a potassium, magnesium, calcium, and sodium. So the Aliens, secretly, scoff on raw green leafy vegetables, low-sugar fresh fruits, almonds and chestnuts.

HOW DO THEY SOCIALISE We only ever see the remorseless, predatory side of the Aliens on screen, as they skulk around in dank tunnels and darkened corridors. But in their spare time they enjoy a lot of village fête-style activities, with stalls such as ‘Who’s Got The Best Egg?’ ‘Guess The Weight Of The Face-Hugger’ and ‘How Many Embryos In The Jar?’ proving increasingly popular.

WHAT DO THEY DRINK Look, we’ve established that they need a more alkaline diet. That’s why they enjoy a nice refreshing drop of Kaolin & Morphine. This also helps with the relief of occasional diarrhoea.

WHAT DO THEY WATCH ON TELLY Their natural life-cycle involves consuming, impregnating and brutalising. So to unwind they watch The Only Way Is Essex, Take Me Out and My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding. The early years of Tom Baker’s Doctor Who are also popular, with focus groups praising The Ark In Space (“some of the ideas are a bit far-fetched but the design is lovely”) and Pyramids of Mars (“the scene where Sarah bursts out of a chest is a big family favourite”)

WHAT DO THEY DO FOR FUN The latest leisure fad in the Alien community came about when the Queen in Aliens learned to operate a lift by watching Ripley. So now it’s a rare Saturday afternoon when you won’t find a bunch of these playful creatures in their local branch of Debenhams or John Lewis, riding up and down between kitchenware and menswear like a particularly murderous tribute to the Are You Being Served? intro.

HOW DO THEY REPRODUCE The Aliens aren’t unaware that we say they symbolise fears about human sexuality and embody themes of twisted motherhood. In fact they’re very sensitive about it. These days, young Aliens have taken to wearing abstinence rings to show their chastity. They attend pious ceremonies in which they vow to stay pure until they meet ‘the right person’. Sadly, though, they ARE still monsters, and all it means is they won’t face-rape anyone who doesn’t look they’re asking for it.

One last thing: it amused me to see the below while I was fact-checking. What did they THINK we were hoping the page would be like?

“A man in a silly red sheet”

Look, it’s a messy job, but somebody has to do it. And if nobody else is going to do it, well I’ll just do it myself then shall I?

I’m talking, of course, about listing every gay innuendo in the lyrics of Joe McElderry’s debut album Wide Awake. Because even the most casual listen to it reveals astonishing, gratifying levels of poofy filth.

"You're gonna have to teach us what ALL these knobs do!"

Looking at my 2010 calendar (hello JB!), Syco had some time to consider the options, between Joe’s closet being chopped down around him by a big hacky axe (“bravely coming out”) in July and the album release in late October. What would they do, would they gay things up, would they make things a bit more abstract?

Well it sounds like they did both. Just as Joe himself exists, publicly, in a non-threatening sexless borderland (“Ooh naw I’ve only ever kissed one boy, nothing dirty!”, etc etc), so does the album teeter between getting on with the hardcore bumming and drawing a discreet veil over it. The very conditions, my friends, in which innuendo flourishes. And oh boy is there a lot of innuendo on this album. Let’s get on with it:

Ambitions:

“If it’s me that was going to take it, then I know that it wouldn’t be straight”

And this in his big launch single too.

Superman:

“I’m more than a bird”

I’ll bet you are.

“Fall upon my knees, find a way to lie”

One physical or moral position at a time, Joe!

“Men weren’t meant to ride with clouds between their knees”

Absolutely filthy.

“Looking for special things inside of me”

Mmm-hmmm?

Real Late Starter:

“Oh my God, if I was somebody you’d be kissing my ass right now, but I’m so polite – I do it all of the time.”

All of the time?

“Day by day I wonder, if I will be torn asunder.”

So elegant. So graphic. My favourite from this list.

Until The Stars Run Out:

“I am great at being in love, not so great at being out.”

(See intro)

Feel The Fire:

“Down in the basement, there’s a light that shines.”

I hope it’s a low-energy, long-life bulb you’ve got down there Joe.

“When we feel like this, it is deep inside.”

Yes?

“Something’s got me burning up inside.”

YES?

Fahrenheit:

“I can feel it deep inside of me, something primal.”

STILL?

“The urge for the surge, of the power of inside”

AGAIN?!

Smile:

“Somehow you come along, just like a flower poking through the sidewalk crack.”

Flowers, cracks, poking. I rest my case. As Joe should do too, he must be exhausted after all that.

If you weren’t keeping count, that’s a massive 14 innuendos over the course of an 11-track album. 1.27 innuendos per song. Amazing.

If popstars were… Perverts

Oh it’s a loaded topic, isn’t it. Because we all know already that all popstars are perverts. Rihanna’s the latest to pitch in with new single S&M. But how well do our favourite acts put their fetishes into song? And how far would they really go?

Soft Cell – Sex Dwarf

What perversion is this? Midget is paraded in a long black leash on the high street. Disco dollies are lured into a life of vice. Pornos are filmed. ‘They all love your miniature ways! You know what they say about small boys!’ It’s quite specialised.

What does it sound like? Being aurally raped by a succession of oversized synthesisers while off-their-tits clubbers laugh at you (v good).

How far would they go though? If you believed even one story out of ten that the press ran about Marc Almond in the early 80s, you don’t need me to tell you the answer to that. For everyone else — the song’s pretty mild in comparison.

Depeche Mode  – Master and Servant

What perversion is this? A nice bit of submission. Dave Gahan gets down on his knees like a dog, and regrets that getting shafted in real life isn’t nearly as much fun.

What does it sound like? Like a nursery rhyme. A nursery rhyme with a lot of people banging on pipes and whipping each other while gas explosions go off (excellent).

How far would they go though? From this point on, half of all Depeche Mode’s singles were about chains or the sweetness of suffering or somebody having a wank while you strip off and choke on exhaust fumes. I like to imagine the boys had a special room in their Basildon mansion where they ‘tried out ideas for lyrics’.

Madonna – Hanky Panky

What perversion is this? A few years ago I spent a spring and a summer moonlighting as a karaoke DJ in a King’s Cross pub on Saturday nights. Happy times. My presentation style was best summed up by the time I introduced a punter doing Hanky Panky by saying “…and she’s going to sing us a cheery little number about consensual sexual violence!” (Oh she got her revenge. By coming back and singing the same bloody song, week after week after week.)

What does it sound like? Awful.

How far would she go though? Madonna spends a lot of time and energy convincing us that she’s as highly-sexed and adventurous as possible. So to be honest I think she’s exhausted by it all by the time she gets home. I expect she makes do with a sleepy poking in front of Newsnight once a week like everybody else.

Aqua – Barbie Girl

What perversion is this? It’s fantasy dress-up role-play of course, although it’s more to the point that once Lene is Barbie, René gets to undress her, control her actions completely, and touch her anywhere he likes. Lyrically, this stuff isn’t even buried, it’s completely explicit, which I think makes Barbie Girl the most deliciously perverted song ever to become a massive mainstream hit.

Mattel did sue Aqua over the song, claiming they’d tarnished their doll’s reputation, and Aqua countersued, claiming hilariously that Mattel were injecting meanings into the song that simply weren’t there. After a long running series of legal disputes that eventually reached the US Supreme court, a judge dismissed the whole thing and told everyone “to chill”. Pop gold.

What does it sound like? They call it bubblegum pop, technically. I can’t come up with anything better than that. Barbie Girl‘s true genius is that you only have to hear it once and you’ll never ever forget it.

How far would they go though? Lene and René did date eventually, but only after she’d split up with Brian McFadden, of all people (a man who at the time had temporarily changed the spelling of his name to Bryan, “to make it easier to sign autographs”). Lene’s debut solo album was called Play With Me, and included the tracks Virgin Superstar, Bite You and Pants Up. René also went solo, releasing the tracks Let It All Out (Push It) and The Uhh Uhh Song. From these few facts alone I’m happy to believe that anything’s possible.

Rihanna – S&M

What perversion is this? The problem is that it’s all a bit broad-brush, trying to cover too many bases without ever settling on one of them. According to the video, Ri-Ri is into clingfilm wrap, domination (Perez Hilton’s her sex dwarf), a little light bondage, and ‘food play’ — with strong hints in the closing moments that a bukkake session’s about to take place. Meanwhile in the lyrics, she’s into masochism — chains and whips in particular. Then there’s the alarming line “Sex in the air, I don’t care, I love the smell of it!”, inviting us to picture Rihanna as a small red spaniel leaping to catch some flying ejaculate on her muzzle.

What does it sound like? A very generic I Can’t Believe It’s Not Guetta! production from Stargate is a big disappointment after the lovely What’s My Name?.

How far would she go though? A difficult question. Because on her last album Rated R, it was easy to believe that shell-shocked, defiant Rihanna was capable of anything, including vengeful suicide firebombing, shooting herself in the face for laffs, and dabbling with girls “underneath the candelabra”. This time around she’s playing up her fun, sexy side, from a ridiculous food fight dance routine on X Factor, through to “spilling the milk” with Drake, and finally the well-publicised “banana gobble” in this video. I don’t know who the real Rihanna is. But I’d like to.