Tag Archives: sex

Conor Maynard’s remarkable penis

Conor Maynard’s Can’t Say No is one of the year’s most startling hits. Over a thunderous, buzzing bassline, Conor sings that whenever he sees a girl, and he makes it clear that it happens every time – at parties, in the street, anywhere – they get his engines turning and send his ‘rocket to the sky’. It’s getting him into trouble, he says. I’m sure it is.

 Now priapism is a serious medical condition, so it made for an interesting song. But when I saw the tracklisting for Conor’s debut album Contrast, out this week,  I was quite alarmed. Following on from this first rocket-themed hit was not only a song called Lift Off but also one called Take Off. Is the whole thing a concept album about the metaphorical adventures of his wayward penis-rocket?

Yes it is.

In the opening track Animal, Conor immediately sings about losing his self control when a girl touches him. ‘Grab me by the neck and don’t you ever let go / Mess me up so good until I’m begging for more,’ he pleads. That’s one handjob down before we’re even at the second verse.

The space travel theme first rears its head in Turn Around, in which he and Ne-Yo find themselves floating high above the ground. ‘Our home is the sky now!’ they tell us, and yes, I’ve already established that whenever two stars duet they’re singing to each other and not to some imaginary third party. ‘Turn around,’ Conor implores a full twenty times while they’re bobbing around in the ether, compared to a mere two from Ne-Yo – in the battle for who’s going to be top it seems Ne-Yo’s quite literally a pushover.

The penis-powered aerial propulsion continues in Lift Off in which Conor boasts ‘I wonder why they say, the limit is the sky… Who says we need a plane?’ This track also provides an opportunity to imagine the outpouring of his special fluid as he muses ‘My wine would be sweet if you were my grape!’ If you would enjoy picturing Conor bashing away at his lady-friend’s grape to make wine, bear in mind he doesn’t specify whether he’ll be using the natural method, in which the yeast already present in the grape starts off the fermentation, or the sterile method, in which he’d use a sulphite to kill off any moulds or bacteria on her fruit but would need to add his own yeast. Just remember to pull off the stalk Conor!

The poor lad’s exhausted by the time we get to Mary Go Round, and probably getting quite sore too – he wants to get off Mary’s ride but she keeps on rotating away and, apparently, turning him upside down. Still, re-invigorated for Take Off, he reveals that his penis is now a roller-coaster (!) which goes so hard that it takes off (!!) and puts his latest conquest firstly in the mile-high club (!!!) and then above the atmosphere itself (!!!!)

After all these mechanical and jet-powered penises it’s a relief when the final phallic reference, in Another One, has the elegant simplicity of ‘She said she wanna peel my banana’. Conor and his friend go off to a cabana for the unsheathing and at last that’s an end of it. It’s been a long and gruelling adventure for his extraordinary organ and I think we’d all agree it’s time for a good night’s sleep.

Justin Bieber’s guest rapper romances

There are four guest rappers on Justin Bieber’s new album Believe and that means only one thing – four love duets! But who’s most likely to stick around?

Ludacris (All around the world)

How does Justin sound? Breathy, and very excited to tell Ludacris how beautiful he is. (I suppose at this point some of you will be thinking ‘No, stop! Justin’s straight! Poor Selena! He mentions a girl in the lyrics! He must be singing to a girl! Ludacris must be rapping about the same girl!’ Well I suppose if you find the idea of Justin Bieber and Ludacris going sloppy seconds on Selena Gomez more wholesome than a nice bit of consensual man-love you’re very welcome to that interpretation. It’s a week since Frank Ocean, people. Anything goes now.)

How does Ludacris sound? He’s in awe. ‘I love everything about you, you’re imperfectly perfect!’ he gushes. (Yeah, really, if they’re both supposed to be addressing their lyrics to the same girl it’s at worst pretty squicky and at best especially awkward, even in MTV awards circles. And let’s not forget, Ludacris is a master of this sort of thing. It’s him who got T-Pain on a track a few years ago so they could drawl ‘If I take one more drink, I’m gon’ end up fucking you!’ at each other after all. If you’re in any doubt about THAT one go and listen again – the ‘Who else?’ ‘You too!’ banter at the end clears things up pretty definitively.)

How’s their loving? Both lads are keen to stress their love shouldn’t be taboo. ‘Why you acting so shy, holding back? We’re not the only ones doing it like that!’ says Justin. ‘People say you don’t deserve it! Don’t give in, hate may win some battles, but love wins in the end!’ adds Luda. (Seriously, people. Channel Orange.)

Big Sean (As Long As You Love Me)

How does Justin sound? A bit moody. He’s picturing how love would survive even if he and Sean were starving, homeless, or – apparently the worst of the three as it’s the climax of the line – broke.

How does Sean sound? Startled, to be fair, but whether from the buzz & chop production or the sudden realisation of his love for Justin it’s hard to say. ‘I know we got issues, but I’d rather work on this with you than go ahead and start with someone new,’ he says, although it’s delivered in a gabbled, insincere rush.

How’s their loving? Not the best I’m afraid. Sean just brings out Justin’s petulance and neither of them really convince us that they’d stick together through anything other than habit. ‘The grass ain’t always greener on the other side, it’s green where you water it,’ says Sean. To be honest, if his water is turning Justin green down there they should probably pop to the clinic.

Nicki Minaj (Beauty and a Beat)

How does Justin sound? Eager to impress. ‘I’m coming for you!’ he claims, before saying they’re going to party like it’s 3012. She’s not THAT much older than you, Justin!

How does Nicki sound? A bit frosty but definitely up for some fun. ‘Justiiiinnnnn,’ she warns at the start, before later rhyming ‘Justin Bieber’ with ‘Buns out, wiener.’

How’s their loving? ‘I gotta keep my eye out for Selena,’ tuts Nicki and her heart doesn’t seem to be in it apart from the buns & wiener action mentioned above. As both she and Justin talk about ticket sales and world tours in their lyrics it feels more like a commercial compromise than anything else.

Drake (Right Here)

How does Justin sound? Completely infatuated. ‘Lost in your eyes every time that you look in mine – I promise to be all that you need,’ he sings dreamily.

How does Drake sound? Needy, conflicted and also completely infatuated. ‘Selfish of me to ask,’ he apologises before going on like Nicki to address the Selena-shaped elephant in the room. ‘Good girl got her mind right, she been raised right, being patient, I know you waiting on a good thing… When the time’s right you should let me get to know you, baby.’ Blimey.

How’s their loving? There are lots of little moans and gasps buried in the background production of this one, just in case it wasn’t all homoerotic enough to start with. ‘I just want to put it on you!’ ejaculates Justin. ‘Wish that you knew all that I do to make this thing go right,’ rasps Drake, referring perhaps to Justin’s lack of experience. It’s so steamy I think we should discreetly drape a Canadian flag over the pair of them and leave them to it.

Monsters at home: The Silent Hill nurses

Oh, you’ve never played any Silent Hill, you say. Well this brilliant game series, pitched somewhere between David Lynch and the best of Japanese horror cinema provides some of the most unsettling interactive experiences you’ll ever have, outside of a spin on chatroulette. The nurses are among the series’ most recognisable recurring opponents*, and like all its horrors they exist as symbols of unresolved anxieties in the deepening stories of the protagonists. BUT THAT SOUNDS LIKE HARD WORK. So how do they relax?

WHAT DO THEY EAT The cardigan-wearing nurses from the original game, with the slug-parasites growing out of their backs, are found wandering gloomy hospital corridors, waving scalpels around. But with only a scalpel to use, they’re going to be limited to food that can be jabbed. So their staple diet is cocktail sausages, cheese and pineapple cubes, and those olives with things stuck in them.

HOW DO THEY SOCIALISE In Silent Hill 2 the nurses got sexy. Of course when I say sexy, I also mean facially disfigured, twitching succubi lashing out at you with iron bars, but still, you know, voluptuous. Fetishy. It’s a representation of the guilt and sexual frustration the main character felt during his wife’s long hospitalisation. So these nurses save their pennies for trips to the mall to get those too-tight, bloodied uniforms just right, and then hit the wine bars.

WHAT DO THEY DRINK The nurses in Silent Hill 3 are best remembered for how bloody noisy they were. All that heavy breathing, and those horrible screams. I hear a similar racket outside the flat when the windows are open on warm Saturday nights. It’s generally fuelled by Jagermeister. So if they can’t get formaldehyde, that’s what the nurses are on too.

WHAT DO THEY WATCH ON TELLY The nurses in Silent Hill: Origins seemed to have surgical masks melted onto their faces. But it would be lazy to see that and assume that they just sit around watching medical dramas. No, as figures of control and repression, they’re far more comfortable with the overbearing likes of How To Look Good Naked and The Biggest Loser. 

WHAT DO THEY DO FOR FUN In the live action Silent Hill film, the nurses were fantastically choreographed. All their jerky lurching was brought to life in as horrible and disorientating a way as us fans could have hoped for. So clearly there have been some dance classes along the way. Lambada, perhaps.

HOW DO THEY REPRODUCE In the recent Silent Hill: Homecoming, you could — unpleasantly — see a foetus growing in the nurses’ wombs when you shone a light on them. But it’s anyone guess how it got in there. This is a game series in which someone vomits up God’s foetus and someone else eats it, after all. To be honest I’d prefer to write the whole thing off as an optical illusion. I don’t want to see any more nurses. They scare me.

*Ok, obviously the most iconic Silent Hill monster is Pyramid Head. But nothing I write is going to improve on the video below, which appeared on YouTube a few years ago, and to be honest has pretty much inspired this whole Monsters At Home strand. Respect.

Monsters at Home: Mr. Noseybonk and the Mara

As 1982 Week continues, we’re going behind the scenes with two of the most feared telly creations of the era, because oh yes – they’re together at last. If you need a primer on either of them before we get going, click Play below…

WHAT DO THEY EAT Oh it’d be easy to assume the Mara’s always shoving the Fruit of Temptation in Noseybonk’s face. But no, not on their evenings off. Instead the Mara will offer Noseybonk a disclosing tablet. Noseybonk will accept it with a curious grin. He wil crunch away at it until the teeth in his perfect white head are as pink as newborn mice. And then how they’ll laugh.

HOW DO THEY SOCIALISE I do try, in ‘Monsters At Home’, to emphasise the carefree, fun times that go on behind the scenes. But there’s no two ways about it, the Mara and Noseybonk are unpopular, feared figures in their neighbourhood. Noseybonk’s banned from the garden centre after *that* incident and the Mara, who works part-time on Saturday in the tattoo parlour, just can’t seem to get along with anyone.

WHAT DO THEY DRINK The Mara enjoys a nice drop of snakebite and Noseybonk will have a snifter of anything.

WHAT DO THEY WATCH ON TELLY Delighting in chaos, and the madness and suffering of others, the Mara enjoys putting its foot up in front of the latest edition of Game For A Laugh. Noseybonk preferes something a little less harrowing, and titters along with Tenko.

WHAT DO THEY DO FOR FUN The Mara loves to play draughts. It flicks on the reverse mood lighting in the Dark Places Of The Inside, pops a Kate Bush tape in the hi-fi, and challenges Noseybonk to best it. Noseybonk looks up from his jigsaw. He surveys the board. His face bobs up and down approvingly. His blank eyes glint. Which leads us to:

HOW DO THEY REPRODUCE All that subtle Buddhist demon stuff, with the Mara propagating itself through tapping into people’s secret fears and desires in dreams – that’s just the day job, and physically it’s a snake like any other. So its true broodiness is expressed with a longing for a pronging from Noseybonk’s most impressive appendage, and a nice clutch of eggs to follow. Goodnight everyone!

The Secret Diary of Rose Tyler’s Adventures In The Sex Industry

This week it’s the final episode of Secret Diary Of A Call Girl. At its best it’s been fresh, funny, and happily non-judgmental about the hardest-working profession in the world. The scripts have been uneven but Billie Piper’s carried it all along with her natural charms. And when I say her natural charms, I’m not even talking about her norks. I like Billie a lot, and I think her relaxed charisma’s saved what might otherwise have been a tacky, forgettable series.

But as a nerd that’s not my main concern. Billie came to this show from Doctor Who, and, as things turned out, so did a lot of her co-stars. So if you have a tendency to get your fictional worlds mixed up (hello!) that’s a sort of geek catnip.

When Rose Tyler eventually returned to Who, she’d been crossing parallel worlds in a lovelorn quest to find the Doctor again. So it’s easy* to imagine that Hannah/Belle from Call Girl is Rose, living through alternate lives with the people she had, might and would have met in the Whoniverse.

I give you then, in rough ascending order of the characters’ importance in the worlds of Doctor Who, those crossover shags in full:

8. D.I. McMillan from Planet of the Dead (Adam James) – Episode 2.3

How’s the sex? Guilty. His visits to Belle are responsible for the break-up of his marriage. While noshing on his cock, Belle starts hallucinating that his wife’s in the room – awkward.

How does it fit in with Who? He’s the policeman responsible for chasing down the Doctor’s cat burglar chum Lady Christina, who’s always one step ahead of him. So it’s only natural he’d gravitate to original companion Rose. And be too dim to realise who she is.

7. Captain Reynolds from Tooth and Claw (Jamie Sives) – Episode 1.2

How’s the sex? It’s an exhibitionist hook-up at a sex party, which develops into a threesome.

How does it fit in with Who? The first time he met Rose, he famously asked the Doctor to “explain the nakedness of this girl!” Then, after getting told off by Queen Victoria for trying too hard socially, he got torn to shreds by a werewolf. No surprise that in this version of existence he’s a bit more free and easy.

6. Plantagenet from Frontios/Mr. Harding from The Sarah Jane Adventures: Mona Lisa’s Revenge (Jeff Rawle) – Episode 2.4

How’s the sex? Abortive. Already a bit put off by his 70s pimp gear, Belle runs off when she starts thinking about her new boyfriend instead. “You’re a prostitute for God’s sake!” he shouts, memorably.

How does it fit in with Who? It depends whether you see Belle’s client as the sickly head of a human colony in the distant future, or the distant admirer of a human head in the Louvre. Either way, this encounter doesn’t do anyone any favours so it’s best brushed over.

5.  Captain Jack Harkness from Torchwood: Captain Jack Harkness (Matt Rippy) – Episode 3.1

How’s the sex? She looks like she’s really getting into it. Playful, passionate and intimate. She grabs his bum a lot.

How does it fit in with Who? *FANWANK ALERT* This is the original 1940s Captain Jack whose identity John Barrowman’s Captain Jack stole after his death, and later time-travelled to visit in 1941 for a dancehall snog. (Yes, I know. Pay attention.)

Now when Barrowman’s Captain Jack and Rose travelled together in the TARDIS they were supposedly on the brink of falling in love, but when re-united in The Stolen Earth/Journey’s End they barely had two words for one another. It’s odd, considering Rose was responsible for making Jack immortal, and he apparently mooned around the Powell Estate watching her grow up in the 00s after their separation. We just have to assume they’d both got it out of their systems before the reunion: Barrowman with Ianto and Rose with this, the next best thing. NICE BOTTOM.

4. Doctor Moon from Silence In The Library/Forest of the Dead (Colin Salmon) – Episode 1.8

How’s the sex? Powerful. He’s the multi-millionaire who’s so impressed with Belle’s ‘class’ that he tries to take her to ‘the next level’ as a ‘courtesan’.

How does it fit in with Who? Appropriate that the man who’ll become, quite literally, Best Friends Forever with another important woman in the Doctor’s life after her death should have a pop at Rose too. And that it should all turn out to be a bit of a pipe dream.

3. PC Andy from Torchwood (Tom Price) – Episode 3.3

How does it fit in with Who? We’re onto recurring characters now, and cult hero PC Andy has had one of the best character progressions in Torchwood, going from occasional comedy relief to full-on people’s hero.

How’s the sex? On the other hand this is one of the most unwholesome scenes in TV history, in which a dopey Welshman is shown to be incapable of sex unless he and the girl both baa like a sheep throughout. Lamentable.

2. Mr. Chandra from The Sarah Jane Adventures (Ace Bhatti) – Episodes 1.3, 1.5 & 2.8

How’s the sex? We see a fair bit of Haresh Chandra, as he’s Belle’s favourite client. And when I say we see a fair bit, I’m talking about a blowjob, a session up against a full-length window, a threesome, and one of the most vigorous and vivid handjobs I’ve ever seen on TV.

How does it fit in with Who? This is the closest Rose has got to the Doctor yet – he’s Clyde’s headmaster, Rani’s dad, and her friend Sarah Jane’s neighbour. And of all the characters in this list, it’s genuinely easy to believe that he’s the same guy, slipping away from Gita and his responsibilities for regular stress-relief sessions and calling himself Ashok. Sexy.

1. The 11th Doctor (Matt Smith) – Episode 1.6

How’s the sex? Fortunately for the delicate sensibilities of fanboys and fangirls everywhere, it’s off-screen sex. Matt’s character’s not a client, just a nice guy who meets Belle in the shop where he works and never finds out what she does for a living. We just get to see his “morning nuzzle”.

How does it fit in with Who? It’s the Doctor. Job done. I just suggest we hold this thought in the eventuality that the line “I work in a shop now” comes up in the next season of Who.

*OK, this stuff is only easy to imagine if you’re an addled old fool like me. But consider this: in the final series, Billie visits New York, and how does she advertise her services there? ‘Call Now For A Classic English Rose’

Monsters at home: the Aliens

The ‘Xenomorphs’ as some fans clumsily insist on calling them (in conversation I simply refer to them as “the Aliens from Alien, Aliens, Alien 3, Alien Resurrection, Alien vs. Predator and Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem”) get as rough a press as any monster. They’re stereotyped as slavering, parasitical biomechanical killers, but their quality time is spent far more gently and it’s time to lift the lid.

WHAT DO THEY EAT It’s tough spending all day eating people. And when you’ve got acid for blood, you’re going to need something to settle the stomach. As thealkalinefoods.com tells us, too much acid can lead to a loss of essential minerals such a potassium, magnesium, calcium, and sodium. So the Aliens, secretly, scoff on raw green leafy vegetables, low-sugar fresh fruits, almonds and chestnuts.

HOW DO THEY SOCIALISE We only ever see the remorseless, predatory side of the Aliens on screen, as they skulk around in dank tunnels and darkened corridors. But in their spare time they enjoy a lot of village fête-style activities, with stalls such as ‘Who’s Got The Best Egg?’ ‘Guess The Weight Of The Face-Hugger’ and ‘How Many Embryos In The Jar?’ proving increasingly popular.

WHAT DO THEY DRINK Look, we’ve established that they need a more alkaline diet. That’s why they enjoy a nice refreshing drop of Kaolin & Morphine. This also helps with the relief of occasional diarrhoea.

WHAT DO THEY WATCH ON TELLY Their natural life-cycle involves consuming, impregnating and brutalising. So to unwind they watch The Only Way Is Essex, Take Me Out and My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding. The early years of Tom Baker’s Doctor Who are also popular, with focus groups praising The Ark In Space (“some of the ideas are a bit far-fetched but the design is lovely”) and Pyramids of Mars (“the scene where Sarah bursts out of a chest is a big family favourite”)

WHAT DO THEY DO FOR FUN The latest leisure fad in the Alien community came about when the Queen in Aliens learned to operate a lift by watching Ripley. So now it’s a rare Saturday afternoon when you won’t find a bunch of these playful creatures in their local branch of Debenhams or John Lewis, riding up and down between kitchenware and menswear like a particularly murderous tribute to the Are You Being Served? intro.

HOW DO THEY REPRODUCE The Aliens aren’t unaware that we say they symbolise fears about human sexuality and embody themes of twisted motherhood. In fact they’re very sensitive about it. These days, young Aliens have taken to wearing abstinence rings to show their chastity. They attend pious ceremonies in which they vow to stay pure until they meet ‘the right person’. Sadly, though, they ARE still monsters, and all it means is they won’t face-rape anyone who doesn’t look they’re asking for it.

One last thing: it amused me to see the below while I was fact-checking. What did they THINK we were hoping the page would be like?

“A man in a silly red sheet”

Look, it’s a messy job, but somebody has to do it. And if nobody else is going to do it, well I’ll just do it myself then shall I?

I’m talking, of course, about listing every gay innuendo in the lyrics of Joe McElderry’s debut album Wide Awake. Because even the most casual listen to it reveals astonishing, gratifying levels of poofy filth.

"You're gonna have to teach us what ALL these knobs do!"

Looking at my 2010 calendar (hello JB!), Syco had some time to consider the options, between Joe’s closet being chopped down around him by a big hacky axe (“bravely coming out”) in July and the album release in late October. What would they do, would they gay things up, would they make things a bit more abstract?

Well it sounds like they did both. Just as Joe himself exists, publicly, in a non-threatening sexless borderland (“Ooh naw I’ve only ever kissed one boy, nothing dirty!”, etc etc), so does the album teeter between getting on with the hardcore bumming and drawing a discreet veil over it. The very conditions, my friends, in which innuendo flourishes. And oh boy is there a lot of innuendo on this album. Let’s get on with it:

Ambitions:

“If it’s me that was going to take it, then I know that it wouldn’t be straight”

And this in his big launch single too.

Superman:

“I’m more than a bird”

I’ll bet you are.

“Fall upon my knees, find a way to lie”

One physical or moral position at a time, Joe!

“Men weren’t meant to ride with clouds between their knees”

Absolutely filthy.

“Looking for special things inside of me”

Mmm-hmmm?

Real Late Starter:

“Oh my God, if I was somebody you’d be kissing my ass right now, but I’m so polite – I do it all of the time.”

All of the time?

“Day by day I wonder, if I will be torn asunder.”

So elegant. So graphic. My favourite from this list.

Until The Stars Run Out:

“I am great at being in love, not so great at being out.”

(See intro)

Feel The Fire:

“Down in the basement, there’s a light that shines.”

I hope it’s a low-energy, long-life bulb you’ve got down there Joe.

“When we feel like this, it is deep inside.”

Yes?

“Something’s got me burning up inside.”

YES?

Fahrenheit:

“I can feel it deep inside of me, something primal.”

STILL?

“The urge for the surge, of the power of inside”

AGAIN?!

Smile:

“Somehow you come along, just like a flower poking through the sidewalk crack.”

Flowers, cracks, poking. I rest my case. As Joe should do too, he must be exhausted after all that.

If you weren’t keeping count, that’s a massive 14 innuendos over the course of an 11-track album. 1.27 innuendos per song. Amazing.