Tag Archives: sausages

Monsters at home: The Silent Hill nurses

Oh, you’ve never played any Silent Hill, you say. Well this brilliant game series, pitched somewhere between David Lynch and the best of Japanese horror cinema provides some of the most unsettling interactive experiences you’ll ever have, outside of a spin on chatroulette. The nurses are among the series’ most recognisable recurring opponents*, and like all its horrors they exist as symbols of unresolved anxieties in the deepening stories of the protagonists. BUT THAT SOUNDS LIKE HARD WORK. So how do they relax?

WHAT DO THEY EAT The cardigan-wearing nurses from the original game, with the slug-parasites growing out of their backs, are found wandering gloomy hospital corridors, waving scalpels around. But with only a scalpel to use, they’re going to be limited to food that can be jabbed. So their staple diet is cocktail sausages, cheese and pineapple cubes, and those olives with things stuck in them.

HOW DO THEY SOCIALISE In Silent Hill 2 the nurses got sexy. Of course when I say sexy, I also mean facially disfigured, twitching succubi lashing out at you with iron bars, but still, you know, voluptuous. Fetishy. It’s a representation of the guilt and sexual frustration the main character felt during his wife’s long hospitalisation. So these nurses save their pennies for trips to the mall to get those too-tight, bloodied uniforms just right, and then hit the wine bars.

WHAT DO THEY DRINK The nurses in Silent Hill 3 are best remembered for how bloody noisy they were. All that heavy breathing, and those horrible screams. I hear a similar racket outside the flat when the windows are open on warm Saturday nights. It’s generally fuelled by Jagermeister. So if they can’t get formaldehyde, that’s what the nurses are on too.

WHAT DO THEY WATCH ON TELLY The nurses in Silent Hill: Origins seemed to have surgical masks melted onto their faces. But it would be lazy to see that and assume that they just sit around watching medical dramas. No, as figures of control and repression, they’re far more comfortable with the overbearing likes of How To Look Good Naked and The Biggest Loser. 

WHAT DO THEY DO FOR FUN In the live action Silent Hill film, the nurses were fantastically choreographed. All their jerky lurching was brought to life in as horrible and disorientating a way as us fans could have hoped for. So clearly there have been some dance classes along the way. Lambada, perhaps.

HOW DO THEY REPRODUCE In the recent Silent Hill: Homecoming, you could — unpleasantly — see a foetus growing in the nurses’ wombs when you shone a light on them. But it’s anyone guess how it got in there. This is a game series in which someone vomits up God’s foetus and someone else eats it, after all. To be honest I’d prefer to write the whole thing off as an optical illusion. I don’t want to see any more nurses. They scare me.

*Ok, obviously the most iconic Silent Hill monster is Pyramid Head. But nothing I write is going to improve on the video below, which appeared on YouTube a few years ago, and to be honest has pretty much inspired this whole Monsters At Home strand. Respect.

A Piece Of Sausage Surprise

Go on Britney, it's your favourite.

So I’ve got this audio mash-up I did a couple of years ago knocking around on my hard drive and it needs a home. And Gillian Wright did some lovely acting as Jean Slater in Eastenders again this week, didn’t she. And Britney’s new single’s good, isn’t it. So it’s any excuse really. Click below to listen.

Monsters At Home: The Weeping Angels

Traditional Monster Files just don’t tell us everything we really want to know. In the spirit of scientific investigation, let’s have a think about what really goes on behind closed doors after a hard day’s stalking, scaring and savaging.


WHAT DO THEY EAT Traditional Monster Files tell us that the Weeping Angels send their victims back in time and feed on the potential energy of the lives they would have lived BLAH BLAH. I’m more interested in what they eat when they can’t be arsed with all that and just want to slump in front of ITV2. And for a quick fix of potential energy, there’s no better source than the humble egg. I like to think of an Angel whipping up a quick frittata with an old spring onion, or perhaps a nice round or two of eggy bread.

HOW DO THEY SOCIALISE For creatures who turn to immobile stone as soon as someone looks at them, this is a tricky one. Which is why, on the rare occasions they venture out, they like the darkrooms at the rougher end of the gay scene quite so much.  We’ve all seen beautiful stone statues stuck on the roads around Vauxhall station on Sunday mornings, a half-drained bottle of poppers in one hand, a shred from somebody’s trouser-seat in the other. And now you know why.


WHAT DO THEY WATCH ON TELLY As creatures that derive energy from the lost and the might-have-been, they were big fans of Noel’s House Party, although they turned off in droves when “Blobby got too commercial”. These days they are big fans of All Star Family Fortunes, and have high hopes for Louie Spence’s Showbusiness.

WHAT DO THEY DO FOR FUN Solitary pleasures are key here, and so — unfortunately if somewhat inevitably, and with a heavy heart — I must invite you to picture our stone friends tucked away in crypts and bedsits, wanking almost continuously from dusk ’til dawn. Happily the vast amount of fine dust produced in this way is harvested and used to bulk out economy sausages and pies.

Bottoms as smooth as a sausage

HOW DO THEY REPRODUCE It was a tragic sight when they tumbled away at the end of their last Doctor Who adventure, revealing that they really do have ‘action figure undersides’ (a disappointment echoed here at Christmas when my fella rushed to “unwrap” his JB from JLS doll).

But as the show told us, ‘that which holds the image of an Angel becomes an Angel’. So after a long wilderness period spent trying to reproduce themselves by looking in mirrors, with confusing results, the Angels were greatly relieved when the age of Chatroulette and Twitcasting came along. If you see a profile that claims HOT STATUARY ACTION or CHISELED FEATURES or IMPRESSIVELY SCULPTED BUST, just don’t click on it. Or my next Monster File may be about you.