Tag Archives: rachel stevens

“It sounds wrong!” – The wit and wisdom of S Club 7 part two: The 1999 Specials

Between Miami 7 and L.A. 7, S Club filmed two double-length specials detailing their adventures on the road trip across America. And so our episode guide continues… [part one here]

BACK TO THE FIFTIES

Really?: It’s the second time S Club have time travelled, this time thanks to a magic mileometer. That’s all very well, but they don’t seem to have any trouble spending their modern day money in the bowling alley.

Paul’s dinners: His subconscious is manifesting as road signs now. Fortunately after this unhappy hallucination he gets to tuck into a huge pile of hot dogs later on.

signs

Topical!: The gang are very keen to point out the unreconstructed sexism of the era. But otherwise it’s an incredible, idealised 1959 that sees Bradley able to chat up a white girl without anyone bringing race into it. Speaking of which…

Exploring other cultures with Jo: Oh dear god she’s blacked up AGAIN.

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Careful what you wish for: Hannah: “We’re looking for a wormhole in the time-space-whatsisname!” The countdown to Primeval continues.

Slashfic trigger:

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BOYFRIENDS AND BIRTHDAYS

Really?:  At this point in their long drive the gang’d be somewhere in New Mexico or Arizona. So it’s not clear where Rachel finds the beach with the crashing waves.

Careful what you wish for: When Rachel’s on the point of leaving the band: “I suppose we’re the S Club 6 now.” “It doesn’t sound right.” “It sounds wrong!” A few years later, thanks to Paul, this focus group would take place for real.

Dentalwatch: 

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Dada never died: Jon: “Statistically fish ARE much more reliable than boyfriends.”

Paul’s dinners: 

Slashfic trigger: Rachel tries to impress new crush Ethan with an invitation to tea and biscuits, but when Bradley points out they don’t have any, she offers him her sticky buns instead.

To be continued…

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‘Poo in the sky’ – The wit and wisdom of S Club 7 part one: Miami 7

My exclusive episode guide to S Club’s television adventures gets underway with their debut TV series, 1999’s Miami 7.

Episode 1: Take-Off

Paul’s dinners: ‘I started thinking about lunch and I completely lost it.’

Topical!: ‘You’re looking a bit Tony Blair, Jon!’

Dada never died:

Rachel’s world: ‘Maybe fame is just poo in the sky.’

4th wall shattered: Tina: ‘Hang on a minute, whose fantasy are we in here?!’  – as the gang dip in and out of one another’s dream sequences.

Episode 2: Howard’s Hotel

Slashfic trigger: Bradley: ‘Girls – they’re so rough!’ appearing in a white-splattered t-shirt and offering his body for inspection.

Careful what you wish for: ‘I guess if we don’t make it as famous singers we could always become a singing cleaning service’

Episode 3: The Blue Chevy

Dentalwatch special:

Tonguewatch special:

Episode 4: Wind Resistance

Exploring other cultures with Jo: Jo: ‘You pompous git!’ Paul: ‘What did you call me?’ Jo: ‘Great leader! Only I used the Hawaiian pronunciation.’

Slashfic trigger:

Dentalwatch: Paul: ‘That was a smirk not a smile!’ Hannah: ‘That was a smile! I showed tooth!’ Paul: ‘If you show less than five it’s a smirk.’

Rachel’s world:

Dada never died: Tina: ‘What am I, a choreographer or a combine harvester?’

Exploring other cultures with Jo: Jo blacks up after a flight through the air. But it’s all in good fun!

Episode 5: The Man From EMI

Paul’s dinners: ‘I haven’t had my breakfast yet!’

Exploring other cultures with Jo: ‘Hasta la vista baby! Which in English means – well I’m not sure what it means.’

Episode 6: Alligator

Dentalwatch:

Careful what you wish for: Hannah crawls around on the grass in an attempt to devise a trap for a pesky alligator. She’ll be doing a lot more of that sort of thing once Primeval starts.

Episode 7: Volleyball

Nothing to see here. Just lots of SKIN.

Episode 8: Alien Hunter

Really?: This episode is notable for CATHY BLOODY DENNIS showing up (in her only ever acting role) as Jill, an actress with a terrible northern accent, who plays Cinnamon Hunter, a character with a terrible American accent, in a sort of prototype Sarah Jane Adventures show that’s being filmed at S Club’s hotel.

In  River Song style she leaves S Club with a book, blank except the first page which reads ‘This book is the future, fill it with your hopes and dreams.’

Episode 9: Missing

Paul’s dinners:

Episode 10: Court In The Act

Really?: In this hilarious episode S Club 7 pretend to be American to avoid deportation, and show kids that immigration fraud is fun! Jon actually ends up perjuring himself in court in pursuit of this. His defence also includes describing S Club as ‘the best and the brightest the nation has to offer’ and doing the mid-air splits. Yes, the courtroom scene turns into a full-on song and dance routine.

Slashfic trigger: An American backstory for Tina: ‘Back on her daddy’s ranch, this little homegirl used to really ride the range.’

Paul’s dinners:

Episode 11: Bermuda Triangle

Really?: It’s a time travel episode. S Club sail into the Bermuda Triangle and end up in 1975. Wigs ahoy! They meet Elvis, Cher, and most puzzlingly Madonna, who would have been a Michigan cheerleader at the time. To cap things off, Abba’s Dancing Queen seems to have been released a year early.

Rachel’s world: She mistakes a mop for a spider.

Episode 12: How Deep is Your Love?

Dada never died: Bradley: ‘The secret with girls is to treat them like buses.’ Jon: ‘You mean don’t put your feet on their seats?’

Really?: Hannah finds she’s able to communicate with dolphins (‘That’s a very fishist remark!’) in some sort of tribute to The Ballad Of Halo Jones perhaps.

Careful what you wish for: Rachel’s excited to be approached by a model scout, despite Bradley’s scepticism (‘You couldn’t model, you’re just too… Rachel.’) It turns out he only wants her for her hands. I’m reminded unhappily of her later ad campaign for Braun ladyshavers.

Topical!: The three girls Paul is said to fancy most are Jennifer Aniston, Xena: Warrior Princess and Natalie Imbruglia.

13: Reprise

The season finale’s mostly a clip show, but at least Cathy Dennis’s back to deliver the deathless line ‘One moment I was popping burgers in a bun, the next I was zapping aliens with a gamma pulse death ray!’

4th wall shattered: Rachel turns to camera: ‘Are you sure this isn’t a fantasy sequence?’

To be continued…

Square dancing: More than words can ever say

They don’t give a credit to the person who decides on the diegetic background music for scenes in EastEnders. Does the writer get to choose it? Does the director get a say? Is it a job for a researcher? It is clearly the best job in the world.

Why the long face, Leona?

More often than not, the choices of song are a sly comment on the situation they’re soundtracking. I love spotting these when they’re subtle. TONIGHT IT WAS NOT SO SUBTLE as three songs blared out in sequential cross-cut scenes. I like that too.

Dusty Springfield: The Look Of Love: Alfie is upstairs at the Vic, preparing a romantic setting to reignite passions with his wife Kat. An obvious choice, yes, but then again if you can’t get romantic to this song then there’s probably something wrong with you. “Saying so much more than words can ever say…”

Rachel Stevens: So Good: Well you don’t hear THAT on the telly very often. And here it is on the jukebox in the Vic while Kat gets her lairy post-grief shimmy on, ignorant of hubby’s efforts upstairs. “I’ll get back on my feet again,
I know I’m gonna feel so good!”

Leona Lewis: Bleeding Love: Poor lovestruck Abi is ALSO strewing a room with red cushions, in an attempt to seduce long-time crush Darren during his brief break from Jodie “I have sensitive eyelashes – like a camel!” Gold. Leona’s song plays, pretty much in full, as a humiliating letdown ensues in a deliciously cruel scene that ends with an excellent gawp. “My heart’s crippled by the vein that I keep on closing.” Textbook.