My exclusive episode guide to S Club’s television adventures gets underway with their debut TV series, 1999’s Miami 7.
Episode 1: Take-Off
Paul’s dinners: ‘I started thinking about lunch and I completely lost it.’
Topical!: ‘You’re looking a bit Tony Blair, Jon!’
Dada never died:
Rachel’s world: ‘Maybe fame is just poo in the sky.’
4th wall shattered: Tina: ‘Hang on a minute, whose fantasy are we in here?!’ – as the gang dip in and out of one another’s dream sequences.
Episode 2: Howard’s Hotel
Slashfic trigger: Bradley: ‘Girls – they’re so rough!’ appearing in a white-splattered t-shirt and offering his body for inspection.
Careful what you wish for: ‘I guess if we don’t make it as famous singers we could always become a singing cleaning service’
Episode 3: The Blue Chevy
Episode 4: Wind Resistance
Exploring other cultures with Jo: Jo: ‘You pompous git!’ Paul: ‘What did you call me?’ Jo: ‘Great leader! Only I used the Hawaiian pronunciation.’
Dentalwatch: Paul: ‘That was a smirk not a smile!’ Hannah: ‘That was a smile! I showed tooth!’ Paul: ‘If you show less than five it’s a smirk.’
Dada never died: Tina: ‘What am I, a choreographer or a combine harvester?’
Exploring other cultures with Jo: Jo blacks up after a flight through the air. But it’s all in good fun!
Episode 5: The Man From EMI
Paul’s dinners: ‘I haven’t had my breakfast yet!’
Exploring other cultures with Jo: ‘Hasta la vista baby! Which in English means – well I’m not sure what it means.’
Episode 6: Alligator
Careful what you wish for: Hannah crawls around on the grass in an attempt to devise a trap for a pesky alligator. She’ll be doing a lot more of that sort of thing once Primeval starts.
Episode 7: Volleyball
Nothing to see here. Just lots of SKIN.
Episode 8: Alien Hunter
Really?: This episode is notable for CATHY BLOODY DENNIS showing up (in her only ever acting role) as Jill, an actress with a terrible northern accent, who plays Cinnamon Hunter, a character with a terrible American accent, in a sort of prototype Sarah Jane Adventures show that’s being filmed at S Club’s hotel.
In River Song style she leaves S Club with a book, blank except the first page which reads ‘This book is the future, fill it with your hopes and dreams.’
Episode 9: Missing
Episode 10: Court In The Act
Really?: In this hilarious episode S Club 7 pretend to be American to avoid deportation, and show kids that immigration fraud is fun! Jon actually ends up perjuring himself in court in pursuit of this. His defence also includes describing S Club as ‘the best and the brightest the nation has to offer’ and doing the mid-air splits. Yes, the courtroom scene turns into a full-on song and dance routine.
Slashfic trigger: An American backstory for Tina: ‘Back on her daddy’s ranch, this little homegirl used to really ride the range.’
Episode 11: Bermuda Triangle
Really?: It’s a time travel episode. S Club sail into the Bermuda Triangle and end up in 1975. Wigs ahoy! They meet Elvis, Cher, and most puzzlingly Madonna, who would have been a Michigan cheerleader at the time. To cap things off, Abba’s Dancing Queen seems to have been released a year early.
Rachel’s world: She mistakes a mop for a spider.
Episode 12: How Deep is Your Love?
Dada never died: Bradley: ‘The secret with girls is to treat them like buses.’ Jon: ‘You mean don’t put your feet on their seats?’
Really?: Hannah finds she’s able to communicate with dolphins (‘That’s a very fishist remark!’) in some sort of tribute to The Ballad Of Halo Jones perhaps.
Careful what you wish for: Rachel’s excited to be approached by a model scout, despite Bradley’s scepticism (‘You couldn’t model, you’re just too… Rachel.’) It turns out he only wants her for her hands. I’m reminded unhappily of her later ad campaign for Braun ladyshavers.
Topical!: The three girls Paul is said to fancy most are Jennifer Aniston, Xena: Warrior Princess and Natalie Imbruglia.
The season finale’s mostly a clip show, but at least Cathy Dennis’s back to deliver the deathless line ‘One moment I was popping burgers in a bun, the next I was zapping aliens with a gamma pulse death ray!’
4th wall shattered: Rachel turns to camera: ‘Are you sure this isn’t a fantasy sequence?’
To be continued…