Tag Archives: professor brian cox

TV Pitches: Muse

Will Muse’s rock career be alright after billions of people around the world have heard their official 2012 Olympics song Survival? I mean, it’s awful, isn’t it. It’s ridiculous. (Yes, it’s both those things but I love it.) Here are some TV pitch ideas for the lads in case they have to step back from music after this.

Muscle Museum

The concept: Horrific documentary in which the boys investigate body parts left behind by serial killers.

Dom: That’s a nice peroneus longus you’ve got there Chris.

Chris: Yes it’s in very good condition isn’t it. Shame they couldn’t salvage the mucous sheath after this poor fella got flayed.

Matt: I can’t find my guitar. What’s happening?

Sunburn

The concept: Ill-considered revival of the mediocre Michelle Collins vehicle. Nicki and the gang are back from the Med and working on the pier in Muse’s home town of Teignmouth. Matt and the boys play amusement arcade attendants who get into all sort of hilarious scrapes.

Chris: If we don’t find that bag of 5p coins before Brian Conley gets here Nicki’ll have our guts for garters!

Michelle Collins: I heard that! Go and clean out the Penny Falls machine with a toothbrush.

Chris: (muttering) At least no-one’d ever make a shitty tv show out of Penny Falls.

Plug In Baby

The concept: The boys get their own shopping channel segment selling electric baby substitutes to the lonely and/or barren.

Matt: And THIS one will crucify your enemies!

Dom: No, Matt! That’s the gentle tears and real nappy action model.

Matt: (flipping baby roughly over) Aha! I’ve exposed your lies, baby! The underneath is no big surprise! Now it’s time for changing! And cleansing everything!

Dom: (sigh)

Time Is Running Out

The concept: Sapphire and Steel spin-off in which the boys chase the physical embodiment of Time through a building and try to stop it “running out”.

Matt: Bury it! Why can’t we bury it?!

Chris: We tried that Matt. It regressed us all to toddlers and made us dig it up again.

Matt: Murder it then. Why don’t we murder it? Or smother it! Or–

Dom: I wish we could take time back to before the Olympics.

Supermassive Black Hole

The concept: Science exploration show in which the boys join forces with Professor Brian Cox for some fun with astrophysics.

Matt: Oh baby, don’t you know I suffer?

Chris: That’s because the Schwarzschild radius is directly proportional to mass, while density is inversely proportional to the volume. Since the volume of a spherical object (such as the event horizon of a non-rotating black hole) is directly proportional to the cube of the radius, the density of a black hole is inversely proportional to the square of the mass, and thus higher mass black holes have lower than average density.

Dom: You got that off Wikipedia.

Professor Brian Cox: Hey you do all realise this song sounds exactly like Do Something by Britney Spears, don’t you.

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Celebrity families: The Coxes

Rain lashes down out of an ominous black sky as eminent broadcaster Sara Cox ushers me into the terraced house she shares with her family in Manchester. “It’s like the end of the world!” she gawps.

“Actually Sara when the Earth is finally swallowed by the sun there’ll be a lot more heat and a lot less liquid water,” chirrups her brother Brian, emerging to take my coat.

“What a miseryguts!” scowls Sara. “He’s got a cob on because I won’t play his song on my radio show.”

Brian’s band D:Ream are on the verge of staging a comeback after many long years in the pop wilderness. Brian’s tried to make a living for himself in the meantime by giving science lessons to remedial children locally, but he’s the first to admit it hasn’t been easy. “They just don’t care about the wonder of physics!” he tells me, fixing me with an enchanting stare.

It’s just then I notice the elderly gentleman in oversized glasses perched behind a Casio keyboard in the corner, as he starts up an improvised song. “The kids don’t care about science! When they’re taught by Brian Cox!” he trills. “The boys just want to kiss girlies! And the girls just want to see — ” He looks around with a wink and pursed lips, as though for applause. “Frocks!”

“That’s our dad,” sighs Sara. “He likes it if you call him Doc. But he’s no more a doctor than our Brian’s a professor.”

Just then Brian’s wife Courteney wafts fragrantly in, shrugging off a cashmere coat to reveal a tight low-cut dress and four inch heels. “I’ve been working in the orchard,” she explains, referring to the family’s famous apple empire. Her accent sounds American, I remark. “Brian and I met at a Bruce Springsteen concert in the 80s,” she says affectionately.

“We got chatting,” says Brian, turning to me, beaming. “And I explained to her that despite its anthemic properties, the song Born In The USA is actually a disaffected howl in the face of an economic system that’s tending to chaos in the aftermath of the Vietnam war.” He fondles Courteney’s nose. “But then all closed systems disintegrate eventually. Even our own universe will one day flicker and die.”

“The death of all things! And we’re all out of luck!” sings Doc Cox, grabbing a ukulele for accompaniment. “If there isn’t a hope! Then I don’t give a —”

“And that’s the second law of thermodynamics,” says Brian sadly, grinning away. “Things can only get worse.”

continued on p15