Tag Archives: nicki minaj

What happened with the alarm at the Carnival

By Bert, aged 4.0

It was the Carnival at the weekend and I was allowed to go with my Auntie Nicki because my mum was organising one of the floats and we were helping. Mum sent us to get all of the fireworks out of the allotment shed and Auntie Nicki said she wasn’t going down in all that mud on foot and she wanted the Keys To The Benz and my mum said in the real world that translated as Change For The Bus and she sent us on our way.

Auntie Nicki was very dressed up but you could still see her big knickers so I think she must have been cold. She kept offering me drinks from her bottle and I had a sniff and it smelled a bit like cough medicine and I did not like it. She was getting quite excited and shouting ‘Bottle, Sip, Bottle, Guzzle!’ and then a bad word and then she said she had no muzzle and I remembered what happened to our old dog and I felt sad.

Then Auntie Nicki said ‘Please-ah! I’m in Ibiza!’ and I said the scenery looked more like Trinidad and she said wasn’t it supposed to be Notting Hill anyway and I said it was probably like before and we were in a made-up place where my imaginary childhood got mixed up with her recent pop videos and so it didn’t really matter and she looked at me and then she did a belch.

I told Auntie Nicki that I could hear the smoke alarm in the allotment shed and she said no it was the music and I should relax and do a dance. I tried but then all the fireworks went off at once and Auntie Nicki was too drunk to stop it. We walked over to the allotment and everything smelled smoky and I do not think there were any fireworks left for the parade. But I could still hear that alarm going off. It was a right old racket but I liked it.

Advertisements

Justin Bieber’s guest rapper romances

There are four guest rappers on Justin Bieber’s new album Believe and that means only one thing – four love duets! But who’s most likely to stick around?

Ludacris (All around the world)

How does Justin sound? Breathy, and very excited to tell Ludacris how beautiful he is. (I suppose at this point some of you will be thinking ‘No, stop! Justin’s straight! Poor Selena! He mentions a girl in the lyrics! He must be singing to a girl! Ludacris must be rapping about the same girl!’ Well I suppose if you find the idea of Justin Bieber and Ludacris going sloppy seconds on Selena Gomez more wholesome than a nice bit of consensual man-love you’re very welcome to that interpretation. It’s a week since Frank Ocean, people. Anything goes now.)

How does Ludacris sound? He’s in awe. ‘I love everything about you, you’re imperfectly perfect!’ he gushes. (Yeah, really, if they’re both supposed to be addressing their lyrics to the same girl it’s at worst pretty squicky and at best especially awkward, even in MTV awards circles. And let’s not forget, Ludacris is a master of this sort of thing. It’s him who got T-Pain on a track a few years ago so they could drawl ‘If I take one more drink, I’m gon’ end up fucking you!’ at each other after all. If you’re in any doubt about THAT one go and listen again – the ‘Who else?’ ‘You too!’ banter at the end clears things up pretty definitively.)

How’s their loving? Both lads are keen to stress their love shouldn’t be taboo. ‘Why you acting so shy, holding back? We’re not the only ones doing it like that!’ says Justin. ‘People say you don’t deserve it! Don’t give in, hate may win some battles, but love wins in the end!’ adds Luda. (Seriously, people. Channel Orange.)

Big Sean (As Long As You Love Me)

How does Justin sound? A bit moody. He’s picturing how love would survive even if he and Sean were starving, homeless, or – apparently the worst of the three as it’s the climax of the line – broke.

How does Sean sound? Startled, to be fair, but whether from the buzz & chop production or the sudden realisation of his love for Justin it’s hard to say. ‘I know we got issues, but I’d rather work on this with you than go ahead and start with someone new,’ he says, although it’s delivered in a gabbled, insincere rush.

How’s their loving? Not the best I’m afraid. Sean just brings out Justin’s petulance and neither of them really convince us that they’d stick together through anything other than habit. ‘The grass ain’t always greener on the other side, it’s green where you water it,’ says Sean. To be honest, if his water is turning Justin green down there they should probably pop to the clinic.

Nicki Minaj (Beauty and a Beat)

How does Justin sound? Eager to impress. ‘I’m coming for you!’ he claims, before saying they’re going to party like it’s 3012. She’s not THAT much older than you, Justin!

How does Nicki sound? A bit frosty but definitely up for some fun. ‘Justiiiinnnnn,’ she warns at the start, before later rhyming ‘Justin Bieber’ with ‘Buns out, wiener.’

How’s their loving? ‘I gotta keep my eye out for Selena,’ tuts Nicki and her heart doesn’t seem to be in it apart from the buns & wiener action mentioned above. As both she and Justin talk about ticket sales and world tours in their lyrics it feels more like a commercial compromise than anything else.

Drake (Right Here)

How does Justin sound? Completely infatuated. ‘Lost in your eyes every time that you look in mine – I promise to be all that you need,’ he sings dreamily.

How does Drake sound? Needy, conflicted and also completely infatuated. ‘Selfish of me to ask,’ he apologises before going on like Nicki to address the Selena-shaped elephant in the room. ‘Good girl got her mind right, she been raised right, being patient, I know you waiting on a good thing… When the time’s right you should let me get to know you, baby.’ Blimey.

How’s their loving? There are lots of little moans and gasps buried in the background production of this one, just in case it wasn’t all homoerotic enough to start with. ‘I just want to put it on you!’ ejaculates Justin. ‘Wish that you knew all that I do to make this thing go right,’ rasps Drake, referring perhaps to Justin’s lack of experience. It’s so steamy I think we should discreetly drape a Canadian flag over the pair of them and leave them to it.

What happened on my 4.0th birthday

By Bert, aged 4.0

For my 4.0th birthday I wanted to go to the Zoo and my mum said my Nana Madge would take me. I do not like my Nana Madge very much because she has a lot of money and she likes to tell everybody what to do. She arrived on our street with lots of friends all dressed up and my mum made a noise with her mouth and said why did she always have to be the centre of attention.

My Auntie Nicki and her friend Maya had come along too. I was pleased to see Auntie Nicki because she is always lots of fun but Maya did not look very pleased to be there and she kept doing naughty fingers behind Nana Madge’s back. To be honest I do not think we will see her again as Nana is always making new friends who are young and trendy and every year it is someone different.

It started to rain and Nana said it made her need to go to wee so she quickly had a wee on a lamp post and because of the rain no-one noticed. She said it was like when you are in the bath and you need to go to wee and you can just put some extra Radox in and it will stay a secret.

For my birthday Nana Madge had got me a nice new jacket but before I could put it on she had to use it to walk over a puddle. I said that I did not mind but I wish I had got to wear the jacket before it got dirty because it looked nice. And because of the rain we could not go to the zoo but Nana Madge said she would let me have a party at her house.

Nana Madge always wants to breastfeed me even though I am 4.0 now and I do not like it but she makes me do it anyway because she says she wants to pass on her DNA. “Only luv can make you a player!” she said and I said she had spelt it wrong but she gave me a look and said how did I know because she had not written it down and I said that Auntie Nicki and Maya were shouting out the letters behind her and she gave me another bad look.

When we got to Nana Madge’s house there were lots of people waiting to get in because they had heard about the party so I do not think she ever meant to take me to the Zoo. I asked her and she said she was learning Internet Skills at the community centre every Thursday afternoon and she had only just used her phone to put the party on Facebook. She said she could not help it if she was popular.

All the girls at the party had to wear masks because Nana Madge said she did not want any competition and they all said to her that they were happy to wear the masks but because you could not see their faces you did not know what they were really thinking. The masks scared me and I could not drink the grown-up drinks and I said I wanted to go home.

Nana Madge had already got changed for the party and she said she could not go out in the rain again now because it would spoil her hair and her dress so I would have to walk home on my own. I think my Nana Madge is mean.

On my way home I walked past the Zoo and you could see the top of a Giraffe over the wall. But I did not go to the Zoo on my 4.0th birthday.

What I did at Halloween

By Bert, aged 3.8

My mum said I could have a Halloween party but on Halloween she bruised her oesophagus so I had to go out instead. My Auntie Nicki said I could go to a party with her but  I did not tell Mum because Auntie Nicki did a bad thing once and I am not allowed to see her.

The party was at Nicki’s friend Kanye’s house. He had a lot of nice furniture but he looked like he was busy and in a bad mood so I went to find someone to play with.


These girls looked nice and I like skipping although my mum does not like me skipping so I asked if I could play with them.

But the girls were not nice and they bit my arms.

I went to find my Auntie but Kanye said he would not help me because he had enough to worry about because he had invited too many people to the party. He gave me a “Goose and Malibu” to drink and I thought it would taste like chicken because a goose is like a nice chicken but it did not taste like chicken and it was not nice.

Some of the ladies at the party had been drinking the goose drink and they did not look well.




Finally I found my Auntie Nicki and she said it was time to go but I could not go straight away because I needed to go to the toilet.

I did not know that one of my other Auntie Nickis was coming to the party. My main Auntie Nicki has lots of sisters and they are all called Nicki too. They are not very good friends and they were fighting. The bad Aunty Nicki was talking about Willy Wonka but I did not want to think about a chocolate factory because there was no chocolate and I needed the toilet.

I went to find the toilet but a lot of people were using the toilet already and I had an accident.

When I did get into the toilet Kanye was in there and I think he had an accident too because he was trying to have a bath but the women were touching him. It was not a nice Halloween.