Tag Archives: jb from jls

The 5 most ridiculous homoerotic moments in JLS videos

Every JLS video release brings with it a fresh sense of expectation. Which way will those cheeky jack-the-lads be swinging next? Happily there’s usually a little something tucked away for wishfully-thinking gay fans. Or occasionally, not so little. Here are the highlights:

5. The ‘Puppetmaster’

From their debut Beat Again, Marvin makes clear who’s pulling the strings in this foursome. The boys will do anything for him! They’ll even lie down and each raise a leg in turn as he swings to point at them! And he does.

4. The ‘Junk Adjust’

In their latest video She Makes Me Wanna, Aston’s got something going on in his trousers that only his bandmates get to see. They look on with great interest. Marvin bites his knuckle, though from excitement or to stifle laughter it’s hard to tell.

3. The ‘Tunnel of Truth’

You don’t need a degree in psychoanalysis for this one, from Eyes Wide Shut. Caught in a dreamlike landscape, JB wanders through a dark tunnel (!), following the path of a beautiful lady. But she unexpectedly turns into a shower of mysterious white particles (!!) that nearly drench him before flying outside where a load of big hard trees spring up (!!!). And we cut to Tinie Tempah.

2. The ‘Stand Proud’

Now here’s a thing. In One Shot, the boys have to make their own microphone stands out of pure male energy. They tease them up so carefully, so gently. And when fully extended they stand and gaze upon their erections with looks of blissful loving pride.

1. The ‘Soggy Biscuit’

No, it’s not one of their pop videos, is it. Yes, I’ve cheated haven’t I. Well there you go. How could this, from their Nintendo ad campaign, not be number one? Because to all intents and purposes we’re witnessing the boys at home having a wanking competition.

Note for posterity: this advert was followed up by one in which they played a game of “hide the remote”.

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“A man in a silly red sheet”

Look, it’s a messy job, but somebody has to do it. And if nobody else is going to do it, well I’ll just do it myself then shall I?

I’m talking, of course, about listing every gay innuendo in the lyrics of Joe McElderry’s debut album Wide Awake. Because even the most casual listen to it reveals astonishing, gratifying levels of poofy filth.

"You're gonna have to teach us what ALL these knobs do!"

Looking at my 2010 calendar (hello JB!), Syco had some time to consider the options, between Joe’s closet being chopped down around him by a big hacky axe (“bravely coming out”) in July and the album release in late October. What would they do, would they gay things up, would they make things a bit more abstract?

Well it sounds like they did both. Just as Joe himself exists, publicly, in a non-threatening sexless borderland (“Ooh naw I’ve only ever kissed one boy, nothing dirty!”, etc etc), so does the album teeter between getting on with the hardcore bumming and drawing a discreet veil over it. The very conditions, my friends, in which innuendo flourishes. And oh boy is there a lot of innuendo on this album. Let’s get on with it:

Ambitions:

“If it’s me that was going to take it, then I know that it wouldn’t be straight”

And this in his big launch single too.

Superman:

“I’m more than a bird”

I’ll bet you are.

“Fall upon my knees, find a way to lie”

One physical or moral position at a time, Joe!

“Men weren’t meant to ride with clouds between their knees”

Absolutely filthy.

“Looking for special things inside of me”

Mmm-hmmm?

Real Late Starter:

“Oh my God, if I was somebody you’d be kissing my ass right now, but I’m so polite – I do it all of the time.”

All of the time?

“Day by day I wonder, if I will be torn asunder.”

So elegant. So graphic. My favourite from this list.

Until The Stars Run Out:

“I am great at being in love, not so great at being out.”

(See intro)

Feel The Fire:

“Down in the basement, there’s a light that shines.”

I hope it’s a low-energy, long-life bulb you’ve got down there Joe.

“When we feel like this, it is deep inside.”

Yes?

“Something’s got me burning up inside.”

YES?

Fahrenheit:

“I can feel it deep inside of me, something primal.”

STILL?

“The urge for the surge, of the power of inside”

AGAIN?!

Smile:

“Somehow you come along, just like a flower poking through the sidewalk crack.”

Flowers, cracks, poking. I rest my case. As Joe should do too, he must be exhausted after all that.

If you weren’t keeping count, that’s a massive 14 innuendos over the course of an 11-track album. 1.27 innuendos per song. Amazing.

The best boyband ever?

Full size image

We are at war. It all started when @baradar85 was daydreaming about how much more fun Jay Sean would be if he were part of a boyband, rather than flouncing around in vests on his own. Ha ha yes, I said, and I turned my back for a moment to find he’d come up with the line-up and picture above, and a brilliant playlist for their debut album. ‘They’re called Originé!’ he said proudly. Which sounds to me like the boyband name you’d get if you asked the contestants on RuPaul’s Drag Race to come up with one, but there you go.

That album tracklist in full:

Then @katecliffy weighed in and came up with her own perfect girlband. So the pressure’s on. Let’s take a look at our boys.

Jay-She

"Did you think that you could shake it in front of me girl, and I wouldn't at least demand a taste?"

Posh boy Jay formed Originé after getting fed up with record labels telling him the world’d never be ready for a solo Asian R&B star. He originally advertised in the back of NME for ‘musicians’, but everything changed after he met Jay-Bee in an unnamed London nightclub. No-one knows for sure what was said or done, but the next morning they decided that the boyband route would be more realistic and profitable all round.

Which one is he? He gets all the female attention, does all the backflips and sings the choruses on all the biggest hits. You know the sort.

Age: 18 (NB His year of birth is uncertain, with different sources giving dates ranging from 1979 to 1983. The cruel ‘1979’ idea comes from the Birth Registry in Hillingdon, but who listens to those? For promotional purposes we’ve simply rounded down his age to the nearest number that’s 18)

Likes: Champagne, Hennessy, affirmation. [Edit: Jay also enjoys ‘keeping it real’]

WLTM: Amira from Eastenders.

RIZMC

"You take the piss, I chop off your schlong"

Bad boy Riz was brought into the group by record label chiefs to whom he owed ‘a personal debt’. This cheeky North London scamp is half-Egyptian! Egypt is a very dangerous country which, as recently shown on Fox News, is between Syria and Iran! So nobody needs to worry that Originé isn’t edgy enough.

Which one is he? He’s very bouncy and he does the raps. You know the sort.

Age: 18

Likes: Wu-Tang Clan, Karl Marx, trainers.

WLTM: Dutty bad gyal dem.

NABIL

Baby er dig ned ned ned ned ned?

Smalltown boy Nabil joins Originé from Høje in Denmark. He was brought in as a last minute replacement when an original Originé member mysteriously disappeared just before their debut performance on  Ireland’s Late Late Show. He has always wanted to be a star, and promises to give it both “his heart and soul” and “110%”

Which one is he? He’s the ‘Jade Ewen’. You know the sort.

Age: 16

Likes: The erotic melodrama of the silent era; the increasingly explicit sex films of the 1960s and 1970s; the Dogme-95 movement of the late 1990s.

WLTM: Nelson Mandela, Emma Bunton.

JAY-BEE

"Day One I first laid my eyes on you, Day Two I can't help but think of you, Day Three was the same as Day Two!'

Rugby boy Jay-Bee is the butch, masculine presence in the group. His laddish banter and antics keep all the other boys in fits of laughter!

Which one is he? He does the standing around and looking dreamy. You know the sort.

Age: 18

Likes: Ben Cohen, Gareth Thomas, Dieux du Stade.

WLTM: A nice girl who doesn’t mind taking it slow or taking the lead.


We’re all very excited about Originé and predict big things for them! Check back in a few weeks when we expect to be running a ‘Where Are They Now?’ feature on the boys.

And in a shameless bit of promotion I’d just like to point out that the real Riz MC’s debut album is a brilliant mix of thoughtful, clever rap and fuck-off dirty beats. You can preview/buy it here. I’m not sure if Riz would find this article the ideal plug for MICroscope, but he does do this thing at his gigs where you have to decide whether you’re “cool” or “friendly”. And on that scale I reckon his appearance on this blog is his friendliest endorsement of all time.

UPDATE: I turn my back again for a few minutes and suddenly Originé have got their own Twitter account

Monsters At Home: The Weeping Angels

Traditional Monster Files just don’t tell us everything we really want to know. In the spirit of scientific investigation, let’s have a think about what really goes on behind closed doors after a hard day’s stalking, scaring and savaging.

EGGS EGGS DELICIOUS TASTY EGGS

WHAT DO THEY EAT Traditional Monster Files tell us that the Weeping Angels send their victims back in time and feed on the potential energy of the lives they would have lived BLAH BLAH. I’m more interested in what they eat when they can’t be arsed with all that and just want to slump in front of ITV2. And for a quick fix of potential energy, there’s no better source than the humble egg. I like to think of an Angel whipping up a quick frittata with an old spring onion, or perhaps a nice round or two of eggy bread.

HOW DO THEY SOCIALISE For creatures who turn to immobile stone as soon as someone looks at them, this is a tricky one. Which is why, on the rare occasions they venture out, they like the darkrooms at the rougher end of the gay scene quite so much.  We’ve all seen beautiful stone statues stuck on the roads around Vauxhall station on Sunday mornings, a half-drained bottle of poppers in one hand, a shred from somebody’s trouser-seat in the other. And now you know why.

WHAT DO THEY DRINK Antifreeze.

WHAT DO THEY WATCH ON TELLY As creatures that derive energy from the lost and the might-have-been, they were big fans of Noel’s House Party, although they turned off in droves when “Blobby got too commercial”. These days they are big fans of All Star Family Fortunes, and have high hopes for Louie Spence’s Showbusiness.

WHAT DO THEY DO FOR FUN Solitary pleasures are key here, and so — unfortunately if somewhat inevitably, and with a heavy heart — I must invite you to picture our stone friends tucked away in crypts and bedsits, wanking almost continuously from dusk ’til dawn. Happily the vast amount of fine dust produced in this way is harvested and used to bulk out economy sausages and pies.

Bottoms as smooth as a sausage

HOW DO THEY REPRODUCE It was a tragic sight when they tumbled away at the end of their last Doctor Who adventure, revealing that they really do have ‘action figure undersides’ (a disappointment echoed here at Christmas when my fella rushed to “unwrap” his JB from JLS doll).

But as the show told us, ‘that which holds the image of an Angel becomes an Angel’. So after a long wilderness period spent trying to reproduce themselves by looking in mirrors, with confusing results, the Angels were greatly relieved when the age of Chatroulette and Twitcasting came along. If you see a profile that claims HOT STATUARY ACTION or CHISELED FEATURES or IMPRESSIVELY SCULPTED BUST, just don’t click on it. Or my next Monster File may be about you.