Tag Archives: jay sean

Five December talking points that aren’t Kate Middleton’s uterus

At the moment you can’t move on Twitter for people talking about Kate Middleton’s pregnancy and even more people talking about not wanting to talk about Kate Middleton’s pregnancy. So here are five alternative conversation starters to get you through the month.

Pantone book

On 13th December Pantone will announce their latest Color Of The Year. That’s right, just one nail-biting week until we finally find out if African Violet can piss all over Tender Shoots or if Linen will beat off Grayed Jade. The Citrus Sarcophagus’s sights are firmly set on Lemon Zest or Nectarine, but there’s some rather more considered analysis over at Re-Do it Design.

Nick Lachey The Winner Is

On 15th December if you’re in the Houston, TX or Philadelphia, PA areas you could go and audition for NBC’s new singing gameshow “The Winner Is. I like the name, and the convoluted phrases it’ll lead to host Nick Lachey having to say.

“And the winner of The Winner Is is…”

“Sorry, the The Winner Is winner isn’t you.”

“The The Winner Is winner Ida Winner wins Winona Ryder’s rider!”

And so on.

The Krankies and John Barrowman

19th December will be the first anniversary of our hearing the Krankies’ revelations about their “any time, anywhere” sex lives, tourbus shenanigans and swinging sessions. Oh it seemed shocking at the time, but against the increasingly unpleasant reports about other children’s entertainers this year, perhaps we can just celebrate the consensual joy of it all now. My favourite detail remains Janette’s fling with the leopard tamer and Ian’s wry comment that he knew what she’d been up to when she came home smelling of leopards. Brilliant.

the-end-of-the-world-2012

21st December is, of course, the end of the world. But let’s not let that get us down. Britney’s shown that we can dance right through it and Jay Sean’s said it might not happen at all.  And as it marks the winter solstice it’s also the traditional day for an annual viewing of K9 and Company (see last post). I don’t know about you but if we’re facing apocalypse I’m going out with an unexpected karate chop and a “Put THAT in your leader, Mr Tobias!” too.

Joey McIntyre

On 31st December Joey from New Kids On The Block will celebrate his 40th birthday. I know! The passage of time, there. Why not use the last day of the year to think about YOUR lost youth, abandoned dreams, inevitable mortality and roads generally not taken? And don’t have nightmares, readers; on the night itself – in a special government initiative – Olympic songstress Emeli Sandé will visit every British citizen’s bedside to aid restful sleep with a soothing dirge. Happy 2013!

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The best boyband ever?

Full size image

We are at war. It all started when @baradar85 was daydreaming about how much more fun Jay Sean would be if he were part of a boyband, rather than flouncing around in vests on his own. Ha ha yes, I said, and I turned my back for a moment to find he’d come up with the line-up and picture above, and a brilliant playlist for their debut album. ‘They’re called Originé!’ he said proudly. Which sounds to me like the boyband name you’d get if you asked the contestants on RuPaul’s Drag Race to come up with one, but there you go.

That album tracklist in full:

Then @katecliffy weighed in and came up with her own perfect girlband. So the pressure’s on. Let’s take a look at our boys.

Jay-She

"Did you think that you could shake it in front of me girl, and I wouldn't at least demand a taste?"

Posh boy Jay formed Originé after getting fed up with record labels telling him the world’d never be ready for a solo Asian R&B star. He originally advertised in the back of NME for ‘musicians’, but everything changed after he met Jay-Bee in an unnamed London nightclub. No-one knows for sure what was said or done, but the next morning they decided that the boyband route would be more realistic and profitable all round.

Which one is he? He gets all the female attention, does all the backflips and sings the choruses on all the biggest hits. You know the sort.

Age: 18 (NB His year of birth is uncertain, with different sources giving dates ranging from 1979 to 1983. The cruel ‘1979’ idea comes from the Birth Registry in Hillingdon, but who listens to those? For promotional purposes we’ve simply rounded down his age to the nearest number that’s 18)

Likes: Champagne, Hennessy, affirmation. [Edit: Jay also enjoys ‘keeping it real’]

WLTM: Amira from Eastenders.

RIZMC

"You take the piss, I chop off your schlong"

Bad boy Riz was brought into the group by record label chiefs to whom he owed ‘a personal debt’. This cheeky North London scamp is half-Egyptian! Egypt is a very dangerous country which, as recently shown on Fox News, is between Syria and Iran! So nobody needs to worry that Originé isn’t edgy enough.

Which one is he? He’s very bouncy and he does the raps. You know the sort.

Age: 18

Likes: Wu-Tang Clan, Karl Marx, trainers.

WLTM: Dutty bad gyal dem.

NABIL

Baby er dig ned ned ned ned ned?

Smalltown boy Nabil joins Originé from Høje in Denmark. He was brought in as a last minute replacement when an original Originé member mysteriously disappeared just before their debut performance on  Ireland’s Late Late Show. He has always wanted to be a star, and promises to give it both “his heart and soul” and “110%”

Which one is he? He’s the ‘Jade Ewen’. You know the sort.

Age: 16

Likes: The erotic melodrama of the silent era; the increasingly explicit sex films of the 1960s and 1970s; the Dogme-95 movement of the late 1990s.

WLTM: Nelson Mandela, Emma Bunton.

JAY-BEE

"Day One I first laid my eyes on you, Day Two I can't help but think of you, Day Three was the same as Day Two!'

Rugby boy Jay-Bee is the butch, masculine presence in the group. His laddish banter and antics keep all the other boys in fits of laughter!

Which one is he? He does the standing around and looking dreamy. You know the sort.

Age: 18

Likes: Ben Cohen, Gareth Thomas, Dieux du Stade.

WLTM: A nice girl who doesn’t mind taking it slow or taking the lead.


We’re all very excited about Originé and predict big things for them! Check back in a few weeks when we expect to be running a ‘Where Are They Now?’ feature on the boys.

And in a shameless bit of promotion I’d just like to point out that the real Riz MC’s debut album is a brilliant mix of thoughtful, clever rap and fuck-off dirty beats. You can preview/buy it here. I’m not sure if Riz would find this article the ideal plug for MICroscope, but he does do this thing at his gigs where you have to decide whether you’re “cool” or “friendly”. And on that scale I reckon his appearance on this blog is his friendliest endorsement of all time.

UPDATE: I turn my back again for a few minutes and suddenly Originé have got their own Twitter account