Tag Archives: emma bunton

TV Pitches: The Spice Girls

Their musical reunion at the Olympics was only temporary, every Spice Girl in search of an interview is telling us. So where next for the peppery pentahedron? Here are some ideas…

WANNABE

The concept: Ambition-themed gameshow in which the Girls audition potential replacements from a crowd of needy schoolchildren

Emma: And now it’s Kayleigh from Swindon’s turn! Kayleigh, which Spice Girl do you… “wannabe”?

Small child: I wannabe Geri!

Geri: Kayleigh, you’re aware that to become the perfect simulacrum, your established interiority is forfeit? And that you may pass from physical existence into a theoretical state of hyperreality?

Small child: I like the dress with the flag on it! Girl Power!

2 BECOME 1

The concept: Mel B oversees proceedings as the remaining girls pair up – quite literally! – to live as Siamese twins for a week. In the grand finale the winning pair undergo a full and irreversible surgical joining procedure.

Mel B: (bursting into room in which Emma and Victoria are sat glumly in a giant three-legged jumpsuit) Hi girls! How are you getting on?

Emma: (wriggling) I’m worried about what’ll happen if we win the challenge and have to live like this permanently.

Victoria: David says he’s alright with it. And I could get a new fashion line out of it.

Emma: (viciously) Stop fooling yourself Victoria!

Mel B: Chin up, ladies! It’s nearly time for the breakdancing challenge!

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE

The concept: Undeterred that a programme of the same name already exists, the Girls present a fun exploration into the concepts of identity and consciousness.

Mel C: So you see Mel, the self is a narrative we create for ourselves, but an intangible one. Look at this hula hoop! Its centre of gravity is a point in the middle of thin air!

Mel B: Are we going to do hula hooping now?

Mel C: Well YOU’RE not, Mel! Being sporty is MY narrative!

Mel B: You’re really starting to episteme off.

VIVA FOREVER

The concept: Each Spice Girl tries out a different method of attaining immortality. Hosted by Esther Rantzen.

Esther: Well I think we can all agree Geri’s quietened down A LOT since we put her into cryogenic suspension. We’ll be checking back in ten years to see how she’s getting on.

Emma: How much more of this disgusting black fungus water do I have to drink, Esther? It tastes like the bottom of a carpet. And I’ve got terrible shits.

Esther: It’s Ling-Zhi, the Chinese mushroom of immortality, Emma – keep going and don’t be a baby! Victoria, how are you getting on uploading your intelligence onto that floppy disk?

Victoria: I’ve written my name on the label already!

HOLLER

The concept: The Spice Girls call for help repeatedly from the centre of an existential void. But no-one ever comes.

Hang Out The Bunton

‘Emma’s Tweet romance’ is the front page headline of this morning’s Metro, above a big photo and brief story saying that Emma Bunton had announced her engagement on Twitter yesterday. It’s infuriating. I know the media are all very antsy these days about stars having direct access to their fans through Twitter, but I don’t think “Celeb uses the internet again” really justifies a headline.

Yes, there are times when the way in which an announcement is made can be an interesting part of the story, for instance if Emma had, like Moriarty on last year’s Sherlock, communicated by forcing a crying hostage with a bomb strapped to them to speak her words. But I don’t like to think that Emma Bunton would do that.

She did go on to reveal the engagement to millions of Dancing On Ice viewers on live telly a few minutes later, which is slightly more interesting, and is the angle the Metro are now taking with the online version of the story, but still. If we’re going to insist that the medium is the message I’d like to see variations on the following headlines please:

‘Webbing Bells for Emma!’ (announcement is made on the star’s website)

‘A Pressing Engagement’ (announcement comes in the form of a press release DO YOU SEE)

‘A Marriage Made In Her Mouth!’ (announcement is made by star speaking it WITH THEIR MOUTH)

AND SO ON.