Tag Archives: drake

Justin Bieber’s guest rapper romances

There are four guest rappers on Justin Bieber’s new album Believe and that means only one thing – four love duets! But who’s most likely to stick around?

Ludacris (All around the world)

How does Justin sound? Breathy, and very excited to tell Ludacris how beautiful he is. (I suppose at this point some of you will be thinking ‘No, stop! Justin’s straight! Poor Selena! He mentions a girl in the lyrics! He must be singing to a girl! Ludacris must be rapping about the same girl!’ Well I suppose if you find the idea of Justin Bieber and Ludacris going sloppy seconds on Selena Gomez more wholesome than a nice bit of consensual man-love you’re very welcome to that interpretation. It’s a week since Frank Ocean, people. Anything goes now.)

How does Ludacris sound? He’s in awe. ‘I love everything about you, you’re imperfectly perfect!’ he gushes. (Yeah, really, if they’re both supposed to be addressing their lyrics to the same girl it’s at worst pretty squicky and at best especially awkward, even in MTV awards circles. And let’s not forget, Ludacris is a master of this sort of thing. It’s him who got T-Pain on a track a few years ago so they could drawl ‘If I take one more drink, I’m gon’ end up fucking you!’ at each other after all. If you’re in any doubt about THAT one go and listen again – the ‘Who else?’ ‘You too!’ banter at the end clears things up pretty definitively.)

How’s their loving? Both lads are keen to stress their love shouldn’t be taboo. ‘Why you acting so shy, holding back? We’re not the only ones doing it like that!’ says Justin. ‘People say you don’t deserve it! Don’t give in, hate may win some battles, but love wins in the end!’ adds Luda. (Seriously, people. Channel Orange.)

Big Sean (As Long As You Love Me)

How does Justin sound? A bit moody. He’s picturing how love would survive even if he and Sean were starving, homeless, or – apparently the worst of the three as it’s the climax of the line – broke.

How does Sean sound? Startled, to be fair, but whether from the buzz & chop production or the sudden realisation of his love for Justin it’s hard to say. ‘I know we got issues, but I’d rather work on this with you than go ahead and start with someone new,’ he says, although it’s delivered in a gabbled, insincere rush.

How’s their loving? Not the best I’m afraid. Sean just brings out Justin’s petulance and neither of them really convince us that they’d stick together through anything other than habit. ‘The grass ain’t always greener on the other side, it’s green where you water it,’ says Sean. To be honest, if his water is turning Justin green down there they should probably pop to the clinic.

Nicki Minaj (Beauty and a Beat)

How does Justin sound? Eager to impress. ‘I’m coming for you!’ he claims, before saying they’re going to party like it’s 3012. She’s not THAT much older than you, Justin!

How does Nicki sound? A bit frosty but definitely up for some fun. ‘Justiiiinnnnn,’ she warns at the start, before later rhyming ‘Justin Bieber’ with ‘Buns out, wiener.’

How’s their loving? ‘I gotta keep my eye out for Selena,’ tuts Nicki and her heart doesn’t seem to be in it apart from the buns & wiener action mentioned above. As both she and Justin talk about ticket sales and world tours in their lyrics it feels more like a commercial compromise than anything else.

Drake (Right Here)

How does Justin sound? Completely infatuated. ‘Lost in your eyes every time that you look in mine – I promise to be all that you need,’ he sings dreamily.

How does Drake sound? Needy, conflicted and also completely infatuated. ‘Selfish of me to ask,’ he apologises before going on like Nicki to address the Selena-shaped elephant in the room. ‘Good girl got her mind right, she been raised right, being patient, I know you waiting on a good thing… When the time’s right you should let me get to know you, baby.’ Blimey.

How’s their loving? There are lots of little moans and gasps buried in the background production of this one, just in case it wasn’t all homoerotic enough to start with. ‘I just want to put it on you!’ ejaculates Justin. ‘Wish that you knew all that I do to make this thing go right,’ rasps Drake, referring perhaps to Justin’s lack of experience. It’s so steamy I think we should discreetly drape a Canadian flag over the pair of them and leave them to it.

YouTube Watch: Lookalike make-up tutorials

There are scores of tutorials on YouTube showing you how to ‘get the look’ of your favourite celebrity or fictional character. Everyone from Fern Britton to Ed Sheeran is there! Actually, no, I couldn’t find either of those. But here are the best of the rest:

How to look like Drake ?! A Make-up Transformation Very relaxing to watch, and very efficiently done. There’s nothing not to love about a drawn-on hairline and the issue of Drake’s ENORMOUS ARTHROPOD EYEBROWS is discreetly glossed over while they’re drawn on in MASSIVE STROKES. “Add a silver necklace if you wish, and the look is complete.” Lovely. 4/5

human centipede makeup tutorial First thing: lighting. Open the bloody curtains! Even the most crazed of Nazi doctors wouldn’t work in these conditions. Still, stitches are drawn on cheeks and she does her best to express the longueurs of a hard day tied up and eating shit: “You’re going to have to make your eyes all dark and scary, cos they’re really tired… make sure you put a lot of brown around your mouth.” Crying is simulated with drops of water on the face, and a LOT of make-up is used with results that to be honest aren’t that great. You could save money by literally smearing shit on your face, and then perhaps you’d cry for real. 2/5

Jessie J inspired lips – Do It Like a Dude Brevity’s to be applauded, right? Not on this occasion, no. In quick succession we see the finished result, a tube of lipstick and some rhinestones, and no consideration’s given to guiding us through the application process. The end titles crash in before the afterthoughtish drawling voiceover’s finished. And the lipstick’s not even black. 1/10

Angry birds makeup tutorial Less is more with this accomplished tutorial. Barely a word is spoken as we’re shown how to transform ourselves to take sides in the endless war between bird and pig. It’s tightly edited and all the steps are shown in a very clear visual way. But the best is yet to come. 3/5

Black Swan Makeup Tutorial I really like this girl. She starts in a lovely warm, softly spoken way, talking about being inspired by Natalie Portman. Then after applying foundation she suddenly announces “First I’m going to take some ecstasy so I can imagine Mila Kunis giving me head.” The best way to enjoy the rest of the surprises in this vid, as glowpinkstah gets further and further into character(s) is to watch the whole thing. Absolutely sensational. 5/5

Favourite albums of 2011

20. Ghostpoet – Peanut Butter Blues & Melancholy Jam

19. Lupe Fiasco – Lasers

18. Lady Gaga – Born This Way

17. Rihanna – Talk That Talk

16. Theophilus London – Timez Are Weird These Days

15. Drake – Take Care

14. Anna Calvi – Anna Calvi

13. Jamie Woon – Mirrorwriting

12. Lil B – I’m Gay (I’m Happy)

11. Selena Gomez & The Scene – When The Sun Goes Down

10. CocknBullKid – Adulthood

9. araabMUZIK – Electronic Dream

8. Cher Lloyd – Sticks + Stones

7. Riz MC – MICroscope

6. Beyoncé – 4

5. The Sound of Arrows – Voyage

4. Toddla T – Watch Me Dance

3. Britney Spears – Femme Fatale

Britney’s people have told her that every song on her album Femme Fatale is inspired by a different femme fatale from history, myth or fiction. Poor Britney just can’t work it out though! Can YOU match the lyrics from the album to the  foxy ladies in question? Answers below.

2. The Weeknd – House of Balloons

Poor Abel Tesfaye has just got the artwork for his epically miserable comedown album back from the designers, but it looks like they’ve strayed from his original vision! Can YOU spot the five subtle differences hidden in the new cover?

If you are having trouble spotting all five differences here are some hints!

  • I wonder who else was at those debauched parties he sings about?
  • There’s a subtle theme running through the album but we’ve “inflated” it
  • “Well doesn’t that put the cherry on top”
  • Track titles ‘MAY’ not ‘ALWAYS’ be correct!
  • A dog’s face

1. Katy B – On A Mission

Here are Katy’s missions explained track-by-track:


Attributes: Slowly unfolding; sweeping musical vista; quite long. Mission: 1986 film THE MISSION. (From the IMDB plot synopsis: “Initially, the Guarani warriors prepare to kill him, but after Gabriel plays an unforgettable solo on his oboe, they allow him to live”. And we’ve all had days like that.)


Attributes: Bold, purposeful, brill. Mission: KATY’S MISSION STATEMENT


Attributes: Elegant; structured; accomplished. Mission: MISSION REVIVAL ARCHITECTURE.


Attributes: Startling; Bleepy; Full of twists and turns that leave you feeling dislocated. Mission: Doctor Who‘s 1965 MISSION TO THE UNKNOWN episode with its imagination-gone-mad monsters and lack of regular cast.


Attributes: Propulsive; No nonsense; Designed to make you move. Mission: A SEARCH AND DESTROY MISSION.


Attributes: Dignified; Luxurious; Satisfying. Mission: The DIPLOMATIC MISSION where the Ferrero Rocher-stuffed Ambassador’s Receptions are held.


Attributes: Solid; A bit old-fashioned; Cheery. Mission: THE GLAD TIDINGS MISSION FROM 60s CORONATION STREET, over which Ena Sharples presided; a handy refuge in case of a gas leak on the Street.


Attributes: Bright; Bouncy; Pretty. Mission: MISSION BELL (the flower, stupid.)


Attributes: Passing the torch from one generation of singer to the next; Shiny; Confident. Mission: THE CONTINUING MISSION of Star Trek: The Next Generation‘s Enterprise-D.


Attributes: Fun; In your face; Sassy with the fanfares. Mission: The original series of MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE.


Attributes: Romantic; Irresistible; Destined to help Magnetic Man be warmly remembered even though most people shrugged at their album proper. Mission: A RESCUE MISSION.


Attributes: Charming; Laidback; Basking in the glow of all that’s come before. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

Tied up with string: March


I suddenly realised, when there was no new episode of Friday Night Dinner on Comic Relief night, that it had become my tv highlight of the week. And quite right too; it’s very funny with a gently surreal tinge that anyone from a family of eccentric weirdos will recognise as THE TRUTH straight away.


Oh god The Weeknd’s House of Balloons has absolutely killed me. It picks up ultra-slow, claustrophobic R&B from where Drake left it last year, but it’s bleaker and harder and sadder. Desire and despair and devastation. I love it. AND IT IS FREE.

Britney’s Femme Fatale is pretty much flawless too – just the right mix of phoned-in robo-vocals, off-kilter production and the occasional nod to the rest of what’s going on in the charts. And good songs, more importantly. Excellent.


Wake Wood made me very happy indeed.  Hammer are back! And it’s like they’ve never been away, what with a couple moving to a new home, trouble with the car on country lanes, creepy children, implacably menacing animals…   In particular this film could be twinned with the Hammer House of Horror episode Growing Pains: HE works with animals, THEY’ve lost a child, SHE suspects supernatural goings-on, THAT PET DOG should probably have an eye kept on it etc, etc. Really thrilling and topped off with some lovely evocative music. WATCH OUT FOR THE SCARY ABACUS.

I’m sticking my neck out for Anuvahood too, especially after seeing a slew of reviews looking down on it for being crude and juvenile. There’s nothing wrong with crude and juvenile! I get the impression half the reviewers are just upset that they didn’t understand most of the slang. We laughed all the way through, especially when the magnificent Jocelyn Jee Essien charged in and took the film over for the duration of her cameo.


The Six Million Dollar Man homage in Tinie Tempah’s Wonderman is perfect, and nicely tongue-in-cheek (It’s not an especially new song, but the video’s been doing the rounds in the last month). Let’s think of my posting it here as a public service – I suspect I have a number of readers who love a bit of cheesy 70s telefantasy but don’t often hang around the pop video channels. This is for you!


We’re over-run with mice at work at the moment. Droppings have been found in drawers, unattended food left nibbled through, and on one notable if implausible occasion, mouse-wee was detected on someone’s desk. A succession of hard-faced pest removal men have stomped through the office, but more often than not they come to shake out the traps into their mousebuckets only to find them empty. While cheese and wine parties continue squeakily in the skirting boards, I hope.

If popstars were… Perverts

Oh it’s a loaded topic, isn’t it. Because we all know already that all popstars are perverts. Rihanna’s the latest to pitch in with new single S&M. But how well do our favourite acts put their fetishes into song? And how far would they really go?

Soft Cell – Sex Dwarf

What perversion is this? Midget is paraded in a long black leash on the high street. Disco dollies are lured into a life of vice. Pornos are filmed. ‘They all love your miniature ways! You know what they say about small boys!’ It’s quite specialised.

What does it sound like? Being aurally raped by a succession of oversized synthesisers while off-their-tits clubbers laugh at you (v good).

How far would they go though? If you believed even one story out of ten that the press ran about Marc Almond in the early 80s, you don’t need me to tell you the answer to that. For everyone else — the song’s pretty mild in comparison.

Depeche Mode  – Master and Servant

What perversion is this? A nice bit of submission. Dave Gahan gets down on his knees like a dog, and regrets that getting shafted in real life isn’t nearly as much fun.

What does it sound like? Like a nursery rhyme. A nursery rhyme with a lot of people banging on pipes and whipping each other while gas explosions go off (excellent).

How far would they go though? From this point on, half of all Depeche Mode’s singles were about chains or the sweetness of suffering or somebody having a wank while you strip off and choke on exhaust fumes. I like to imagine the boys had a special room in their Basildon mansion where they ‘tried out ideas for lyrics’.

Madonna – Hanky Panky

What perversion is this? A few years ago I spent a spring and a summer moonlighting as a karaoke DJ in a King’s Cross pub on Saturday nights. Happy times. My presentation style was best summed up by the time I introduced a punter doing Hanky Panky by saying “…and she’s going to sing us a cheery little number about consensual sexual violence!” (Oh she got her revenge. By coming back and singing the same bloody song, week after week after week.)

What does it sound like? Awful.

How far would she go though? Madonna spends a lot of time and energy convincing us that she’s as highly-sexed and adventurous as possible. So to be honest I think she’s exhausted by it all by the time she gets home. I expect she makes do with a sleepy poking in front of Newsnight once a week like everybody else.

Aqua – Barbie Girl

What perversion is this? It’s fantasy dress-up role-play of course, although it’s more to the point that once Lene is Barbie, René gets to undress her, control her actions completely, and touch her anywhere he likes. Lyrically, this stuff isn’t even buried, it’s completely explicit, which I think makes Barbie Girl the most deliciously perverted song ever to become a massive mainstream hit.

Mattel did sue Aqua over the song, claiming they’d tarnished their doll’s reputation, and Aqua countersued, claiming hilariously that Mattel were injecting meanings into the song that simply weren’t there. After a long running series of legal disputes that eventually reached the US Supreme court, a judge dismissed the whole thing and told everyone “to chill”. Pop gold.

What does it sound like? They call it bubblegum pop, technically. I can’t come up with anything better than that. Barbie Girl‘s true genius is that you only have to hear it once and you’ll never ever forget it.

How far would they go though? Lene and René did date eventually, but only after she’d split up with Brian McFadden, of all people (a man who at the time had temporarily changed the spelling of his name to Bryan, “to make it easier to sign autographs”). Lene’s debut solo album was called Play With Me, and included the tracks Virgin Superstar, Bite You and Pants Up. René also went solo, releasing the tracks Let It All Out (Push It) and The Uhh Uhh Song. From these few facts alone I’m happy to believe that anything’s possible.

Rihanna – S&M

What perversion is this? The problem is that it’s all a bit broad-brush, trying to cover too many bases without ever settling on one of them. According to the video, Ri-Ri is into clingfilm wrap, domination (Perez Hilton’s her sex dwarf), a little light bondage, and ‘food play’ — with strong hints in the closing moments that a bukkake session’s about to take place. Meanwhile in the lyrics, she’s into masochism — chains and whips in particular. Then there’s the alarming line “Sex in the air, I don’t care, I love the smell of it!”, inviting us to picture Rihanna as a small red spaniel leaping to catch some flying ejaculate on her muzzle.

What does it sound like? A very generic I Can’t Believe It’s Not Guetta! production from Stargate is a big disappointment after the lovely What’s My Name?.

How far would she go though? A difficult question. Because on her last album Rated R, it was easy to believe that shell-shocked, defiant Rihanna was capable of anything, including vengeful suicide firebombing, shooting herself in the face for laffs, and dabbling with girls “underneath the candelabra”. This time around she’s playing up her fun, sexy side, from a ridiculous food fight dance routine on X Factor, through to “spilling the milk” with Drake, and finally the well-publicised “banana gobble” in this video. I don’t know who the real Rihanna is. But I’d like to.

Favourite albums of 2010

20. Massive Attack – Heligoland

19. Lil Wayne – I Am Not A Human Being

18. Shakira – Sale El Sol

17. Nas & Damian Marley – Distant Relatives

16. Gabriella Cilmi – Ten

15. Yeasayer – Odd Blood

14. Nicki Minaj – Pink Friday

13. The Roots – How I Got Over

12. Diddy – Dirty Money – Last Train To Paris

11. Janelle Monae – The ArchAndroid

10. Big Boi – Sir Lucious Left Foot: The Son of Chico Dusty – WEIRDO WITH BASSLINES

9. The-Dream – Love King – PERV WITH SYNTHS

8. Jazmine Sullivan – Love Me Back – SHE GOT A BIIIIIG VOICE

7. Arcade Fire – The Suburbs – YOU CAN’T GO HOME AGAIN YOU KNOW


5. The National – High Violet – The National have got TWO pairs of brothers in their line up, but despite this they keep refusing to do a “Double Jedward” by covering Ghostbusters. They insist on filling their music with fear, regret, spiders and despair (it’s very beautiful).

4. Plan B – The Defamation Of Strickland Banks – Angry rapper in “amazing soft-hearted songwriter” shock. Also: tight suits, prison fantasies.

3. Kanye West – My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy

We're going to need a bigger pad

Do we really have to call it that? Anyway here is an extract from Kanye’s shopping list:










2. Robyn – Body Talk

Instructions for assembly available separately

CARLSSON. Album. Package measurement: 5-15 tracks ( spares provided ). Start with a ready-made combination or create your own combination from scratch. Drag and drop songs using our online planner, or see our CARLSSON experts in store for helpful advice in assembling your album. Key features: Resilience, Defiance, Inclusivity, Heartbreak, Love, Compassion, Dancing (on your own), Dancing (running tings), Dancing (to the beat), 1 x robot, 1 x time machine. Will complement existing CARLSSON items. Care instructions: Wipe off tears with a soft clean cloth. Keep going.

1. Drake – Thank Me Later

Choose your own Drake

Choose your own adventure in time, memory and identity! Will you find your way to happiness in the here and now or be LOST IN TIME?


You are Drake! Money just changed everything and your fifteen minutes started an hour ago!  But you’re haunted by the sense that “you never see it coming, you just get to watch it go”.

If you look for the answer in your lover’s eyes, go to Track 11.

If you look for the answer in your own past, go to Track 10.


“I was only trying to get ahead – but the spotlight made you nervous”.

You don’t get to take everyone with you when your life changes; sometimes it’s your choice, sometimes theirs. It’s rare that it doesn’t hurt, but there’s a fine line between being strong and divorcing yourself from all feeling.

If you put your hand on a hot kettle in an attempt to feel connected to the world again, go to Track 14

If you’d rather have a good time, go to Track 5


“They say: you promised me you would never change” But identity is fluid. They’ve brought you down just when you’d started to live in the moment, accept the pain of memory and kiss the past goodbye, too. You can’t do much about how others see you, in the end, but you can try and be true to yourself.

If you try to be all things to all people, go to Track 4

If you think you have to leave people behind sometimes, go to Track 2


“That’s right, I’m doing me” in the crescendo of a victory anthem ought to come across as triumphant. But it’s full of uncertainty, a resigned suspicion that your identity’s a commodity, that being completely “yourself” gets harder and harder the more people you know and more you try to please. “It’s far from over” should sound like a rallying cry, but you make it seem so weary.

If you imagine that things could have been different, go to Track 12

If you think that one day you’ll realise what a great time you were having, go to Track 9

If you want to try disassociating yourself from others’ opinions, go to Track 2


It’s hard, living in the moment. Once in a while, you get the opportunity for a bit of right-now happiness with someone. But the weight of memory presses hard, you torture yourself, wondering how your past even led you there in the first place, while trying too hard to forget and going on about saving worries for tomorrow just reminds you of the problems. So you live for “the nights you can’t remember with the people you won’t forget”.

If you think you can still make the best of it, go to Track 7

If you think simpler would be better, go to Track 12


You have been up all night.

If you look like yes, go to Track 8

If you look like no, go to Track 9


If you got your nails done and hair done and everything did, go to Track 6

If you’re worried people will think you’re too fancy, go to Track 3


This is the dream, isn’t it. (This is The-Dream, isn’t it.) That moment where time slows down and stops and you can finally focus on something, finally be fully present in the moment with someone. And a song that makes you feel it, like the air in a heat haze warping around you. I THINK YOU REALLY MADE IT.


“Looking forward to the memories of right now”? But it’s a beautiful night to live your beautiful life. Why can’t you be there, living it? Losing yourself in thoughts of potential futures is bad enough, but losing yourself in thoughts of a potential future in which you’re stuck looking back at the present past? You are so lost.


“I keep thinking, how young can you die from old age?” Memories weigh heavy, when you’ve already had a too-full life. But how has your past changed you?

If you think it’ll all make more sense when you look back at it in years to come, go to Track 9

If you’re thinking about who you’ve had to leave behind, go to Track 2

If you’re trying to work out who the hell you are, go to Track 4


“Miss me a little when I’m gone” But how can you know who you are, if all your identity comes from how others see you?

If you think people have got you all wrong, go to Track 3

If you think it’s down to you, go to Track 4

If you think it’s better to try and move on, go to Track 2


If there’s one thing more dangerous than living in the past or the future, it’s imagining how different things could be right now. You can’t undo the changes you’ve gone through. For better or worse, they’ve made you who you are. But still, you imagine yourself in an alternate present, with the old familiar things around you, as if you’d never moved on. YOU ARE LOST.


“Every single summer, I’ll be the one that you remember.”  I listened to this album on lazy summer afternoons in the park, on too-hot mornings as I walked to work, and late at night in the middle of our June heatwave when the world seemed to press in through the window… It’s hard to avoid getting mentally bogged down in the past, in all your mistakes and wasted opportunities, when you get to a certain age. It’s hard to imagine the future being much better. It’s a great thing if you can appreciate everything that’s good in the here and now. It’s amazing when music comes along that speaks to you personally and moves you, when the music is as sweet as a cool breeze on a hot summer’s night. Hey how did you get to this paragraph anyway?


“Thank me later, yeah, I know what I said, but later doesn’t always come, so instead, it’s okay – you could thank me now” And the moment rushes in. When an album sets up a theme of deferment and displacement, right from its title, it’s a good thing to get it all resolved in the final track. I THINK YOU MADE IT. But other endings may be available