Tag Archives: chris brown

5 things I learned from A Town Called Mercy

1. A town called Topical

How extraordinary that the TARDIS crew should be heading off to Mexico for the Day of the Dead festival, this week of all weeks. Were they on their way to get some ideas for sugar skull tattoo designs?

2. A town called Meh

I don’t know about you, but for me cowboys and the Wild West aren’t interesting enough in themselves that you can just drop the Doctor and a Terminator into the genre and hope for the best. And sure, murky moral quandaries around war criminals can be interesting, but, you know, I’ve already seen all of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. And don’t even mention the Bechdel test. No, it wasn’t for me this week. Still it was nice to hear The Stolen Earth‘s Hanging On The Tablaphone rescored for banjo.

3. A town called Dolittle

I am excited though to see we really are running with the idea first introduced a couple of years ago that the Doctor can talk to animals. Always  a much underused ability of Wonder Woman’s in her tv series I felt, and it could make Doctor Who a very different show. Talking transgender horses brings us one step closer to Tom Baker’s talking cabbage companion idea. I’m all for it.

4. A town called Narrative Distancing

Does anyone have any grasp on what Amy and Rory’s Doctor/life balance is any more? Do they go about their normal lives with the Doctor dropping in occasionally as the last two weeks have told us, or are they travelling with him so much that ‘Our friends are going to start noticing that we’re ageing faster than them’ as Amy said this week?  It’s so inconsistent that it makes it difficult to care, and caring about it right now would be good.

(More questions: Did they wave a cathartic goodbye to the ordinary world and leave Earth for good on their wedding night, or were they suddenly living at home again at the start of The Impossible Astronaut? Did the Doctor say goodbye to them so finally in The God Complex that he actively avoided bumping into them in a Colchester department store, or did he go on to pop up in their house every other week since then? All of the above adds up to none of the above, emotionally.)

5. A town called EGG!

Yes, this year’s secret recurring element was back again. Oh it’s all very well Den Of Geek coming up with clever and entirely plausible theories about flickering lightbulbs, my money’s still on the eggs. In my mind we’re now building up to a final confrontation on the Fields of Trenzalore between a horde of Tythonian ambassadors and a cluster of Chimeron babies. My mind, ladies and gentlemen. My mind.

Celebrity families: the Browns

It’s with some trepidation that I approach the impressive maisonette where Derren and Melanie Brown live with their son Chris. Chris has been in the headlines for all the wrong reasons recently, whether relentlessly smashing his girlfriend’s face to a pulp, light-heartedly revealing his elephantine penis to the internet, or flying into a rage on the set of a TV interview and storming angrily off to throw furniture around.

But my fears are allayed when Mel B flings open the door. Dressed in a trademark animal-print bikini & cape, and a broad Northern smile, she cheerfully bellows “Come on in, he won’t bite!” in that accent of hers.

The reasons for this become clear as I’m ushered into the kitchen-cum-TV-room. Chris has quite literally been muzzled and is bound to a chair with gaffer tape. “It’s for his own good really,'” laughs Mel, offering me a Ryvita Mini. “To be honest we’re thinking of having him put down!”

Mel’s husband Derren, a reclusive mastermind and sometime lord of illusion, emerges from the shadows. “I knew she was going to say that,” he says, prestidigitatively.

“Come on, our Chris!” shouts Mel. “Time for your mango!” She dribbles some juice into the corner of his muzzle with a pipette, while his eyes blaze murderously with fury. “He’s a terrible disappointment really,” she confides. “I were only a teenager myself when I had him. But to be honest if I hadn’t, I reckon our Derren would have been off on the other bus by now!”

“It… was… a thought experiment,” says Derren tightly, engaged in some business with a smashed watch and a locked box. Looking up at me, he asks “Oh, would you get the door?”

“What?” I ask, and just then the doorbell rings. A dour figure is stood there in kagoule and sunglasses – it’s Derren’s older brother Ian.

“ALRIGHT OUR KID?” he enquires, barging in. “I’VE COME FOR ME NEPHEW.”

Mel throws a teatowel protectively over Chris’s face. “You’re bloody not,” she swears. “He’s grounded.”


Mel races over. “I’ll give you a bit of spunk,” she yells, which unfortunately

continued on page 78