Tag Archives: cheryl cole

What happened on the way to the football

By Bert, aged 4.0

I did not want to go to the football but my mum’s cousin Cheryl was babysitting me and she enjoys the football because sometimes her ex-husband plays and she likes it if he does badly. Cheryl took me on the Tube to get there but the Tube broke down and we had to walk through the tunnel. Cheryl said she did not mind as the tunnel represented her difficult journey from the darkness into the light. I said what did she mean and she said she could exclusively reveal she was bitten by a mosquito and she had lost her job but it was all amazing because everyone still likes her anyway, and she looked pleased.

It was quite dark in the tunnel and I could not see where she was and I called her name and she said how did I think she felt when I did that and I said it probably felt strange because she did not have a last name any more and she said there would always be haters and I noticed she had a bit of poo on her leg.

There were lots of bigger boys waiting outside the tunnel by some cars and I was a bit scared but Cheryl said it was OK they were her friends and I said they looked quite rough but she exclusively revealed that despite her expensive make-up she was still very much from the street and I said yes we all remembered when she beat up my Aunt Sophie and she gave me a look.

Cheryl quickly took her jacket off and threw it away to show that she didn’t have to worry about money any more and she had a nice dance with the bigger boys in her yellow bra. We did not make it to the football in time but when we got home we heard that her ex-husband had missed his penalty and I asked Cheryl if that made her happy and she said her feelings were very complicated and I was interested to hear more but she had found a mirror and she did not end up saying anything else.

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Tied up with string: February

SOME TELLY

I’ve been enjoying the third series of Being Human a lot: less of the boring vampire politics and back to funny, creepy stories about ordinary people in odd worlds. Annie’s runaway train segue from Stop All The Clocks into the lyrics for Fight For This Love was a career highlight. But nothing compares to the best thing I’ve ever seen on CBeebies, the wonderful Rastamouse. We just have to establish why there are so many orphans in Mouseland and which trouserless mouse we fancy the most (Zoomer for me, cheers) and then we can all get on with our music and our cheese.

A FILM

Never Let Me Go. Well that was as bleak and unsettling a film to be released for Valentine’s weekend as I can remember. (Spoilers ahead)

We’re used to seeing these sorts of worlds in films, the dreary paradise that’s maintained at a terrible cost. And if you start thinking about, say, Logan’s Run or The Truman Show, then you start rooting for our heroes to expose the terrible truth at the heart of the system, to make things better. But there’s no terrible truth to expose, because everyone knows and accepts what’s going on already. And the only rebellion is a polite enquiry as to the spirit of the world’s rules. The sense of resignation is devastating and the film makes us think hard about how, within a generation or so, unthinkable attitudes can become endemic.

Mind you I may as well be talking about Kazuo Ishiguro’s source novel with all that. As for the film itself, as well as the lovely subtle performances, I liked the way all the design choices — windswept, half empty seaside towns, NHS corridors, claustrophobic boarding shools — combined to suggest a world in stagnation.

SOME songs

Jamie Woon’s Lady Luck and Yasmin’s On My Own are both amazing. They’re picking the bits they like from the best of pop, dance and urban music to make something new. I’m looking forward to the albums – Jamie Woon in particular, on the basis of this and the beautiful, swampy ‘Night Air‘ from last year, could have me all a-cream.

ANIMAL OF THE MONTH

I’ve been obsessed with urban foxes for a long time, and it’s making me excited that they seem to be getting bolder. I’m seeing them now in daylight, on quite crowded streets, and closer than ever before. Salute these mangy, scavenging creaturess, who make the best they can out of a rubbish world – they are us.

Here’s a picture of Romeo, the new folk hero, the fox who climbed the Shard.

The Bert Awards 2011

Hello and welcome to the inaugural Bert Awards, during which I will be making a fist of this year’s Brit Awards highlights.

Best Grooming

Where else on primetime TV do you get to see a man in his thirties leaning into the face of an uncomfortable-looking 16-year old boy to say “You smell amazing! How old are you? No really, how old are you??” But the pheromonal appeal of Justin Bieber reduced James Corden to just such a state. Amazing.

Best Rioting

A difficult one to judge. And unexpected. It seemed that every other act had been down that shop they advertise near my work [pictured] to kit themselves out before the show.

Plan B put a good effort in, with the prison-yard violence and the setting people on fire and everything, but the award has to go to Take That, whose choreographed kettling was particularly joyful.

Best Slurring

I’m not sure what had gotten into Cheryl Cole before she lurched on to present the Best International Female award. Half a box of Nytol, by the sounds of it. Dull, limp and lifeless.

Best Sulking

Has anyone ever turned up to present an award with as thunderous-faced a glare as Will “I’m making a documentary about Coriolanus you know” Young did? Was it because he’d been paired with Avril Lavigne? Was it all beneath him? Bad show.

Best Duetting

All night we were shouting at the telly: ‘When’s the big duet? Who will it be?’ Because even though these unlikely popstar pairings are the best part of the event, one big collaboration per year is the best you can hope for these days.

And what a disappointment. I love Cee Lo, but hate watered-down versions of overplayed songs. Especially one he’s already done with a ‘surprise guest’ a few days ago (at the Grammys, with Gwyneth Paltrow). And who was it who came on to play Mika to his Beth Ditto? Just Paloma “Plan B’s mum” Faith.

If it had been left up to me, the big finish would have been Corinne Bailey Rae collaborating with Rastamouse. She would have sung with all the sadness of every orphan in the Mouseland orphanage, and he would have made a bad ting good. But this is why I am not, yet, in charge of the Brits.