Tag Archives: blue

What happened at my big sister’s wedding

By Bert, aged 3.9

It has been a while since I wrote an update but now my teacher says I should do one because my big sister Beyoncé has had a baby.

Last summer I was a pageboy at her wedding and when she was getting ready I accidentally saw that she was wearing special knickers that came all the way up to her shoulders. Although it was not really an accident because Beyoncé was walking round in her special shoulderknickers for an hour before she put her dress on and she was singing loudly all the time so I think she wanted to be noticed. Anyway you would not have known then that she was going to have a baby.

Before the wedding we had to stop in an Arboretum because Beyoncé needed a poo and as her pageboy I had to hold up her dress to make sure she did not get any poo on it. While she was waiting for the poo to come out she was going on about her last boyfriend and how glad she was that they had split up. She shouted that she saw the real him when he showed his ass. I used to like her last boyfriend though and so I did not tell Beyoncé that she had got some poo on the back of her leg.

Beyoncé had to shut up for five minutes at the wedding while they did the vows but as soon as it was over she was on about her old boyfriend again and how jealous he must be of her now and how she is completely over him and how she used to have feelings for him but she definitely does not any more. I felt sorry for her new husband because he looked a bit left out. Beyoncé also said her old boyfriend was the best thing she never had, which does not make any sense at all when you think about it.

At the reception there was a good buffet and I tried Prawns for the first time and learned a dance called Doop. And that is probably the night that Beyoncé and her husband started making the baby. I do not know how long it takes to make one but it has been at least five months since then so I think it started at the wedding.

She has called her baby Blue which I think is a stupid name. I asked her if the baby was named after the band Blue from the Eurovision Song Contest but she said no that would be stupid, it is named after the song by Eiffel 65. I remember that she used to listen to that song a lot with her last boyfriend so it is lucky that she does not think about him any more.


Pissing in public with Blue

What a busy week it’s been for boyband Blue. First they announce they’ve reformed to sing for the UK at Eurovision. Then days later Antony Costa demonstrates his love for the city streets by pissing on a cashpoint machine in central London. Let’s have a look, based on lyrical evidence, at where the boys might be marking their territory next.


Public piss location: A tower block stairwell.

The song: Bubblin’

Love the way you’re shakin’ it for me, can we take it upstairs from the lobby?

I don’t see nothing in you and me bubblin’

How do we get started, how do we get private?

Once we get inside, it’s gonna be troubling

You and me bubblin’ 

Simon says: I love the convenience of a stairwell, especially when in company. It really sorts out the men from the boys.


Public piss location: On the dancefloor

The song: Too Close


Step back you’re dancing kinda close

I feel a little poke coming through on you

Now girl I know you felt it

Before you know it, I can’t help it 

Lee says: I love the privacy and excitement of a darkened dancefloor! Keep your handbags on the tables to be on the safe side, girls!


Public piss location: Out of a car window

The song: Fly By


What a night, so far

Pullin’ up kerbside in your car

What a sight, you are…

UK style, UK flow – We got you hot like Whoa!

Duncan says: I’ve never felt so free or so male as when I’ve been pissing in the wind from a moving car.


Public piss location: A courtroom

The song: All Rise


You’re on the stand, with your back against the wall

Nowhere to run, and nobody you can call

Oh no, I just can’t wait!

Antony says: I’d like to apologise to the members of the court, to my mum, and to the people of the United Kingdom, whom I am proud to be representing at the forthcoming Eurovision Song Contest in Düsseldorf, Germany.