Tag Archives: alien

Favourite albums of 2011

20. Ghostpoet – Peanut Butter Blues & Melancholy Jam

19. Lupe Fiasco – Lasers

18. Lady Gaga – Born This Way

17. Rihanna – Talk That Talk

16. Theophilus London – Timez Are Weird These Days

15. Drake – Take Care

14. Anna Calvi – Anna Calvi

13. Jamie Woon – Mirrorwriting

12. Lil B – I’m Gay (I’m Happy)

11. Selena Gomez & The Scene – When The Sun Goes Down

10. CocknBullKid – Adulthood

9. araabMUZIK – Electronic Dream

8. Cher Lloyd – Sticks + Stones

7. Riz MC – MICroscope

6. Beyoncé – 4

5. The Sound of Arrows – Voyage

4. Toddla T – Watch Me Dance

3. Britney Spears – Femme Fatale

Britney’s people have told her that every song on her album Femme Fatale is inspired by a different femme fatale from history, myth or fiction. Poor Britney just can’t work it out though! Can YOU match the lyrics from the album to the  foxy ladies in question? Answers below.

2. The Weeknd – House of Balloons

Poor Abel Tesfaye has just got the artwork for his epically miserable comedown album back from the designers, but it looks like they’ve strayed from his original vision! Can YOU spot the five subtle differences hidden in the new cover?

If you are having trouble spotting all five differences here are some hints!

  • I wonder who else was at those debauched parties he sings about?
  • There’s a subtle theme running through the album but we’ve “inflated” it
  • “Well doesn’t that put the cherry on top”
  • Track titles ‘MAY’ not ‘ALWAYS’ be correct!
  • A dog’s face

1. Katy B – On A Mission

Here are Katy’s missions explained track-by-track:

POWER ON ME

Attributes: Slowly unfolding; sweeping musical vista; quite long. Mission: 1986 film THE MISSION. (From the IMDB plot synopsis: “Initially, the Guarani warriors prepare to kill him, but after Gabriel plays an unforgettable solo on his oboe, they allow him to live”. And we’ve all had days like that.)

KATY ON A MISSION

Attributes: Bold, purposeful, brill. Mission: KATY’S MISSION STATEMENT

WHY YOU ALWAYS HERE

Attributes: Elegant; structured; accomplished. Mission: MISSION REVIVAL ARCHITECTURE.

WITCHES BREW

Attributes: Startling; Bleepy; Full of twists and turns that leave you feeling dislocated. Mission: Doctor Who‘s 1965 MISSION TO THE UNKNOWN episode with its imagination-gone-mad monsters and lack of regular cast.

MOVEMENT

Attributes: Propulsive; No nonsense; Designed to make you move. Mission: A SEARCH AND DESTROY MISSION.

GO AWAY

Attributes: Dignified; Luxurious; Satisfying. Mission: The DIPLOMATIC MISSION where the Ferrero Rocher-stuffed Ambassador’s Receptions are held.

DISAPPEAR

Attributes: Solid; A bit old-fashioned; Cheery. Mission: THE GLAD TIDINGS MISSION FROM 60s CORONATION STREET, over which Ena Sharples presided; a handy refuge in case of a gas leak on the Street.

BROKEN RECORD

Attributes: Bright; Bouncy; Pretty. Mission: MISSION BELL (the flower, stupid.)

LIGHTS ON (FEAT. MS. DYNAMITE)

Attributes: Passing the torch from one generation of singer to the next; Shiny; Confident. Mission: THE CONTINUING MISSION of Star Trek: The Next Generation‘s Enterprise-D.

EASY PLEASE ME

Attributes: Fun; In your face; Sassy with the fanfares. Mission: The original series of MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE.

PERFECT STRANGER (WITH MAGNETIC MAN)

Attributes: Romantic; Irresistible; Destined to help Magnetic Man be warmly remembered even though most people shrugged at their album proper. Mission: A RESCUE MISSION.

HARD TO GET

Attributes: Charming; Laidback; Basking in the glow of all that’s come before. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

Monsters at home: the Aliens

The ‘Xenomorphs’ as some fans clumsily insist on calling them (in conversation I simply refer to them as “the Aliens from Alien, Aliens, Alien 3, Alien Resurrection, Alien vs. Predator and Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem”) get as rough a press as any monster. They’re stereotyped as slavering, parasitical biomechanical killers, but their quality time is spent far more gently and it’s time to lift the lid.

WHAT DO THEY EAT It’s tough spending all day eating people. And when you’ve got acid for blood, you’re going to need something to settle the stomach. As thealkalinefoods.com tells us, too much acid can lead to a loss of essential minerals such a potassium, magnesium, calcium, and sodium. So the Aliens, secretly, scoff on raw green leafy vegetables, low-sugar fresh fruits, almonds and chestnuts.

HOW DO THEY SOCIALISE We only ever see the remorseless, predatory side of the Aliens on screen, as they skulk around in dank tunnels and darkened corridors. But in their spare time they enjoy a lot of village fête-style activities, with stalls such as ‘Who’s Got The Best Egg?’ ‘Guess The Weight Of The Face-Hugger’ and ‘How Many Embryos In The Jar?’ proving increasingly popular.

WHAT DO THEY DRINK Look, we’ve established that they need a more alkaline diet. That’s why they enjoy a nice refreshing drop of Kaolin & Morphine. This also helps with the relief of occasional diarrhoea.

WHAT DO THEY WATCH ON TELLY Their natural life-cycle involves consuming, impregnating and brutalising. So to unwind they watch The Only Way Is Essex, Take Me Out and My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding. The early years of Tom Baker’s Doctor Who are also popular, with focus groups praising The Ark In Space (“some of the ideas are a bit far-fetched but the design is lovely”) and Pyramids of Mars (“the scene where Sarah bursts out of a chest is a big family favourite”)

WHAT DO THEY DO FOR FUN The latest leisure fad in the Alien community came about when the Queen in Aliens learned to operate a lift by watching Ripley. So now it’s a rare Saturday afternoon when you won’t find a bunch of these playful creatures in their local branch of Debenhams or John Lewis, riding up and down between kitchenware and menswear like a particularly murderous tribute to the Are You Being Served? intro.

HOW DO THEY REPRODUCE The Aliens aren’t unaware that we say they symbolise fears about human sexuality and embody themes of twisted motherhood. In fact they’re very sensitive about it. These days, young Aliens have taken to wearing abstinence rings to show their chastity. They attend pious ceremonies in which they vow to stay pure until they meet ‘the right person’. Sadly, though, they ARE still monsters, and all it means is they won’t face-rape anyone who doesn’t look they’re asking for it.

One last thing: it amused me to see the below while I was fact-checking. What did they THINK we were hoping the page would be like?