Category Archives: 1982 week

The birth of the Cheeky Girls, expressed as a home computer text adventure

It’s the end of 1982 Week. But how better to celebrate the year? We all remember where we were when the Cheeky Girls were born, don’t we. And we all played those early text-based computer games. Didn’t we.


You are in a womb-like area in Transylvania. The walls are dark, red and wet. There is not much room to move around. There are exits to north and south.

> HELP

You are the Cheeky Girls. You are in a womb-like area in Transylvania. The walls are dark, red and wet. There is not much room to move around. There are exits to north and south.

> N

The exit to the north is too small for you to get through. You can see through the uterotubal junction into a Fallopian tube. It is a twisty maze of a passage.

> S

The exit to the south looks promising but is barred by an amniotic membrane.

> WHERE DO I GO

You never ever ask “where do you go?”

> OPEN MEMBRANE

You don’t have anything to open the membrane with.

> HIT MEMBRANE

I don’t know how to hit the membrane.

> WHAT DO I DO

You never ever ask “what do you do?”

> WAIT

You wait. Time passes.

> KICK

A hollow voice says PUSH.

> PUSH

I don’t know how to push.

> EXAMINE MEMBRANE

The membrane seems to be getting thinner and the exit to the south is widening slightly.

> S

You are in a cervix-like area. There is a bright light coming from the south which hurts your eyes.

> CLOSE EYES

It is pitch dark. There are horrible gurgling noises. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.

> MAKE LIGHT

This is no laughing matter.

> OPEN EYES

The light is getting brighter. You feel a strong pressure acting against you from the north.

> S

You pass through the cervix and into a bright, cold, open area. Your mother sits down and starts singing about gold. You are the Cheeky Girls and you have been born! Congratulations.

> TOUCH MY BUM

This is life.

What happened in 1982 on the fantasy island

By Bert aged 3.9

For “1982 Week” our teacher told us to visit the oldest person we know and ask them what they were doing in 1982. I went to visit my nan in her flat, she is quite ill and tired now and she cannot move around very well but once she was very pretty and she had fun like we do today.

In 1982 my nan went on a holiday with her sister to an island. It was an island surrounded by sea and she said it was like a fantasy island. She showed me some of the photographs from her Kodak Brownie and in a lot of the pictures there was a man.


“When me and your Aunty first saw him we just threw all in the flowers we’d been collecting into the air,” said Nan. “Because he was the most beautiful thing we had ever seen. Just me and him would go walking together – watching the sunrise over the trees. It all seemed like magic.”

“Just you and him and Aunty Linda as well though?” I asked, because Aunty Linda was in all the pictures with the man too. My nan does not speak to Aunty Linda very much and they had a big fight at Christmas once. She did not really answer my question but she said that on that holiday she had a dream of love never leaving, but the man had said that love cannot really live in a dream.

“When you are young you think that true love will hold you both together and you can stay like that forever,” said Nan. She looked at the next picture, of her and the man and Aunty Linda outside a nice cave. “But sometimes it doesn’t even last for a week.”

On the last night of the holiday they all got dressed up for a special night. “If that night had gone differently you would not be here today Bert,” said Nan. I looked at her and she was a bit red around her eyes so I think it must have been time for her medicine.  I do not know what she meant and I do not see how my life could have happened because of a holiday in 1982. But one day I would like to see the fantasy island for myself.

Monsters at Home: Mr. Noseybonk and the Mara

As 1982 Week continues, we’re going behind the scenes with two of the most feared telly creations of the era, because oh yes – they’re together at last. If you need a primer on either of them before we get going, click Play below…

WHAT DO THEY EAT Oh it’d be easy to assume the Mara’s always shoving the Fruit of Temptation in Noseybonk’s face. But no, not on their evenings off. Instead the Mara will offer Noseybonk a disclosing tablet. Noseybonk will accept it with a curious grin. He wil crunch away at it until the teeth in his perfect white head are as pink as newborn mice. And then how they’ll laugh.

HOW DO THEY SOCIALISE I do try, in ‘Monsters At Home’, to emphasise the carefree, fun times that go on behind the scenes. But there’s no two ways about it, the Mara and Noseybonk are unpopular, feared figures in their neighbourhood. Noseybonk’s banned from the garden centre after *that* incident and the Mara, who works part-time on Saturday in the tattoo parlour, just can’t seem to get along with anyone.

WHAT DO THEY DRINK The Mara enjoys a nice drop of snakebite and Noseybonk will have a snifter of anything.

WHAT DO THEY WATCH ON TELLY Delighting in chaos, and the madness and suffering of others, the Mara enjoys putting its foot up in front of the latest edition of Game For A Laugh. Noseybonk preferes something a little less harrowing, and titters along with Tenko.

WHAT DO THEY DO FOR FUN The Mara loves to play draughts. It flicks on the reverse mood lighting in the Dark Places Of The Inside, pops a Kate Bush tape in the hi-fi, and challenges Noseybonk to best it. Noseybonk looks up from his jigsaw. He surveys the board. His face bobs up and down approvingly. His blank eyes glint. Which leads us to:

HOW DO THEY REPRODUCE All that subtle Buddhist demon stuff, with the Mara propagating itself through tapping into people’s secret fears and desires in dreams – that’s just the day job, and physically it’s a snake like any other. So its true broodiness is expressed with a longing for a pronging from Noseybonk’s most impressive appendage, and a nice clutch of eggs to follow. Goodnight everyone!

Now that’s what I call 1982

Last Saturday there was a great article in the Guardian by Peter ‘Popjustice‘ Robinson about the Now That’s What I Call Music! series. Amongst other truth-nuggets he points out that your favourite Now! album is going to be the one that came out closest to your 10th birthday. But as the Now! series didn’t start until I was nearly twelve, I was cruelly excluded from testing this theory.

So of course the only thing to do was to compile my own notional Now! compilation, that I would have got for my 10th birthday in March 1982. And here it is on Spotify. Only songs that were in the Top 40 between December 1981 and February 1982 were eligible, but fortunately THIS IS SOME OF THE BEST MUSIC EVER MADE. And when I realised that my favourite pop song of all time (It is Kim Wilde’s Cambodia) would be on the LP, I was happy to count the theory as proved.

If you’re as old as me I hope this playlist will be wonderfully nostalgic. If you’re younger than me, then there are riches (RICHES!) here to be discovered. Oh and if you ARE around my age, and can listen to the massive comedown that is Side 4, when it’s dark, after a little too much to drink, without feeling a bit weepy, then you’re a bolder and harder person than I am. That’s not some sort of challenge. That’s just the way things are.

This post kicks off “1982 Week” on the Sarcophagus! (NB it might not actually be a week)

Side 1

Haircut 100 – Love Plus One

Altered Images – I Could Be Happy

Shakin’ Stevens – Oh Julie

Madness – It Must Be Love

Abba – One Of Us

Bucks Fizz – The Land Of Make Believe

Side 2

Tight Fit – The Lion Sleeps Tonight

Fun Boy Three – The Lunatics (Have Taken Over The Asylum)

The Human League – Being Boiled

Dollar – Mirror Mirror

Kraftwerk – Showroom Dummies

Side 3

Toni Basil – Mickey

Foreigner – Waiting For A Girl LIke You

Daryl Hall & John Oates – I Can’t Go For That (No Can Do)

George Benson – Never Give Up On A Good Thing

Modern Romance – Ay Ay Ay Ay Moosey

Side 4

Orchestral Manoeuvres In The Dark – Maid Of Orleans

Soft Cell – Bedsitter

Jon & Vangelis – I’ll Find My Way Home

Christopher Cross – Arthur’s Theme

Electric Light Orchestra – Ticket To The Moon

Kim Wilde – Cambodia