1. Pickled peaches You WANT to like them. They look really interesting. But they’ve coolly distanced themselves from you with a big thick glass jar. Then you finally try them, and the individual elements are things you like – some old-fashioned, some a bit out of leftfield – but it’s a bit much all together.
2. Frozen parsnips One person’s ‘earthy’ is very much another person’s ‘indigestible’.
3. Tinned mango A bit of exoticism BUT NOT TOO MUCH THANKS, let’s keep it safely packaged in a reassuring tin.
4. A formal knot garden of germander, marjoram, thyme, southernwood, lemon balm, hyssop, costmary, acanthus, mallow, chamomile, rosemary, Calendulas, Violas and Santolina Easy to admire but hard to love.
5. Asparagus The conoisseur’s choice. A delicate and lasting flavour to be savoured. NO I’M NOT SAYING JESSIE WARE MAKES YOUR PISS STINK I’M SAYING I LIKE HER.
6. Courgette Oh it’s all very nice but would you miss it if it had been left out? Would you?
7. Potato Well you know where you are with it don’t you.
8. Dried apple I like dried apple. It’s very nutritious isn’t it. But sometimes, perversely, knowing something is good for you makes it a hell of a lot less interesting.
9. Pepperoncini (or ‘kebab shop chilli’ to give it its proper name) Salty! A bit hot! A bit caustic! Essential.
10. Snow pea In the words of Harry Hill – ‘Mangetouts, they’re lovely aren’t they. But I couldn’t eat a whole one.’
11. Anyone know what this is? Cheers.
12. No me neither.