By Bert, aged 4.0
It was the Carnival at the weekend and I was allowed to go with my Auntie Nicki because my mum was organising one of the floats and we were helping. Mum sent us to get all of the fireworks out of the allotment shed and Auntie Nicki said she wasn’t going down in all that mud on foot and she wanted the Keys To The Benz and my mum said in the real world that translated as Change For The Bus and she sent us on our way.
Auntie Nicki was very dressed up but you could still see her big knickers so I think she must have been cold. She kept offering me drinks from her bottle and I had a sniff and it smelled a bit like cough medicine and I did not like it. She was getting quite excited and shouting ‘Bottle, Sip, Bottle, Guzzle!’ and then a bad word and then she said she had no muzzle and I remembered what happened to our old dog and I felt sad.
Then Auntie Nicki said ‘Please-ah! I’m in Ibiza!’ and I said the scenery looked more like Trinidad and she said wasn’t it supposed to be Notting Hill anyway and I said it was probably like before and we were in a made-up place where my imaginary childhood got mixed up with her recent pop videos and so it didn’t really matter and she looked at me and then she did a belch.
I told Auntie Nicki that I could hear the smoke alarm in the allotment shed and she said no it was the music and I should relax and do a dance. I tried but then all the fireworks went off at once and Auntie Nicki was too drunk to stop it. We walked over to the allotment and everything smelled smoky and I do not think there were any fireworks left for the parade. But I could still hear that alarm going off. It was a right old racket but I liked it.