TV Pitches: Radiohead

Will Radiohead ever release another album? Who knows. They’re so bloody secretive about it. But with a four-year gap between releases becoming standard, there’s time for them to embrace some TV projects before the next spectacular in 2015. How about these?

CREEP

The concept: Game show in which the boys play a live version of Grandma’s Footsteps. Hosted by Vernon Kay.

Vernon: Oh bad luck Ed! Thom saw you creeping when he turned round then, so it’s back to the start for you! [audience erupts with laughter]

Ed: That’s not fair! Jonny dropped his guitar and made that noise again. It’s distracting.

Jonny: You think you’re so f— [glances at cameras] very special.

Vernon: Alright lads, calm down. The rules are the same for everyone. Everybody… [audience chants along] You don’t want him to notice, when he turns around!

HIGH AND DRY

The concept: Investigative science show in which three band members take drugs while the others stay sober, before embarking on a series of creative and practical challenges.

Phil: Bollocks, I’ve dropped my sugar nest.

Colin: [gurning] It’s smashed, Phil! You smashed it! Smashed it!

Phil: I’m going on to the musical challenge instead. How’s your symphony Jonny?

Jonny: [staring] I’ve got an Ondes Martenot!

KARMA POLICE

The concept: The boys patrol Facebook and Twitter correcting people who use the term ‘karma’ wrongly.

Colin: I’ve got another one! This woman just said that spilling her Starbucks must be due to bad karma from being rude to her intern last week.

Jonny: I’m on it. Telling her now that the concept of retributive enforcement only applies between lifetimes, not from one day to the next.

Ed: I’m going to set this up as an auto-reply. It’s getting silly typing it out every time.

Jonny: In the Jainist interpretation, it’s exactly that sort of lazy attitude that attracts karmic dirt.

Thom: FOR GOD’S SAKE THE FRIDGE IS STILL BUZZING WON’T SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING

NO SURPRISES

The concept: Surprise Surprise returns to ITV screens later this year with Holly Willoughby, and the boys are drafted in to host the ITV2 spinoff. Shellshocked guests who’ve just been reunited with long lost relatives/met their hero Jessie J for an inspirational chat etc. are ushered into a nice quiet room for a comforting sit down with the lads.

Phil: And now let’s bring in Sheila from Swindon. Sheila, you’ve just seen your sister from Australia for the first time since 1952. How are you feeling?

Sheila: (sobbing) I can’t… I just… can’t…

Thom: Don’t worry Sheila. The more the world is changing, the more it stays the same! Would you like to wear my diving suit? You’ll feel safe.

Phil: It’s leaking again Thom.

NUDE

The concept: The boys parade proudly around in their natural splendour. Available on pay-per-view only, but – in a modern twist – the amount you pay is up to you.

Colin: I’m so cold.

Ed: I did wonder.

Thom: Quiet. Nobody said breaking the chains of capitalism would be easy. We’re symbolising a decaying business model here.

Jonny: [glances at Thom] Well you certainly are.

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