What happened on my 4.0th birthday

By Bert, aged 4.0

For my 4.0th birthday I wanted to go to the Zoo and my mum said my Nana Madge would take me. I do not like my Nana Madge very much because she has a lot of money and she likes to tell everybody what to do. She arrived on our street with lots of friends all dressed up and my mum made a noise with her mouth and said why did she always have to be the centre of attention.

My Auntie Nicki and her friend Maya had come along too. I was pleased to see Auntie Nicki because she is always lots of fun but Maya did not look very pleased to be there and she kept doing naughty fingers behind Nana Madge’s back. To be honest I do not think we will see her again as Nana is always making new friends who are young and trendy and every year it is someone different.

It started to rain and Nana said it made her need to go to wee so she quickly had a wee on a lamp post and because of the rain no-one noticed. She said it was like when you are in the bath and you need to go to wee and you can just put some extra Radox in and it will stay a secret.

For my birthday Nana Madge had got me a nice new jacket but before I could put it on she had to use it to walk over a puddle. I said that I did not mind but I wish I had got to wear the jacket before it got dirty because it looked nice. And because of the rain we could not go to the zoo but Nana Madge said she would let me have a party at her house.

Nana Madge always wants to breastfeed me even though I am 4.0 now and I do not like it but she makes me do it anyway because she says she wants to pass on her DNA. “Only luv can make you a player!” she said and I said she had spelt it wrong but she gave me a look and said how did I know because she had not written it down and I said that Auntie Nicki and Maya were shouting out the letters behind her and she gave me another bad look.

When we got to Nana Madge’s house there were lots of people waiting to get in because they had heard about the party so I do not think she ever meant to take me to the Zoo. I asked her and she said she was learning Internet Skills at the community centre every Thursday afternoon and she had only just used her phone to put the party on Facebook. She said she could not help it if she was popular.

All the girls at the party had to wear masks because Nana Madge said she did not want any competition and they all said to her that they were happy to wear the masks but because you could not see their faces you did not know what they were really thinking. The masks scared me and I could not drink the grown-up drinks and I said I wanted to go home.

Nana Madge had already got changed for the party and she said she could not go out in the rain again now because it would spoil her hair and her dress so I would have to walk home on my own. I think my Nana Madge is mean.

On my way home I walked past the Zoo and you could see the top of a Giraffe over the wall. But I did not go to the Zoo on my 4.0th birthday.

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