Kate Bush: Careers Officer

Are YOU a recent school leaver or graduate? Maybe you’re one of the long term unemployed, or have just been made redundant. Over the course of 30 years’ worth of pop videos, Kate Bush has tried out literally dozens of careers. So let’s see what we can learn from her adventures in the world of employment…

PLASTICS TESTER (Breathing)

Duties: You’ll be responsible for testing the durability and permeability of semi-rigid plastic structures Pros: Based in lovely rural surroundings with picnic area and free swimming facilities Cons: Possible radiation sickness Skills required: Patience, timing, lungs

SOLDIER (Army Dreamers)

Duties: War Pros: A very popular ‘bring your children to work’ policy is in operation, even on battle days Cons: Explosions Skills required: Stealth, shooting, dying

COMMUNITY EVENTS OFFICER (Sat In Your Lap)

Duties: Working with community members from disadvantaged backgrounds, you’ll encourage them to learn fun skills such as roller-skating, tumbling and performance arts Pros: You’ll work towards a final performance at which everyone can put their new abilities into practice Cons: Short term contract Skills required: Interpretative dance; general circus

TOUR OPERATOR – AUSTRALIAN OUTBACK (The Dreaming)

Duties: Lead a group of holidaymakers on the famous Aboriginal ‘Walkabout’ Pros: Spiritual awakening Cons: Catering facilities are limited Skills required: Ability to interpret local culture, ideally through dance

SECURITY CONSULTANT (There Goes A Tenner)

Duties: Test the robustness of financial institutions’ security arrangements through the staging of robberies Pros: A real sense of adventure Cons: Late hours Skills required: Tactical thinking, team leadership, boilersuit

BARN ASSISTANT (Suspended in Gaffa)

Duties: You’ll be responsible for the maintenance and upkeep of a lovely sunlit barn Pros: It’s a lovely sunlit barn! Cons: The farm is located on the borders of an interstitial vortex into which you may occasionally spin off Skills required: Interpretative dance

WEATHER MANAGER (Cloudbusting)

Duties: Responsible for facilitating appropriate weather conditions in agricultural areas, working initially as part of a team with a senior rainmaker Pros: Plenty of fresh air Cons: Frequent and rigorous Ministry inspections Skills required: Ability to operate and transport heavy machinery

PARTY PLANNER (Hounds Of Love)

Duties: Help people living in wooded areas to celebrate special occasions in a meaningful way Pros: Fun! Cons: Budget is limited so a few cheap party hats and balloons will often have to suffice Skills required: Intermediate tango

SKYWATCHER (The Big Sky)

Duties: Reporting to a team of astronauts and aviators, you’ll be responsible for keeping an eye on the celestial realm Pros: A bacofoil jumpsuit and a massive fuck-off pair of binoculars are standard issue Cons: We don’t have a dedicated observatory so you’ll be required to work on rooftops in all weather conditions. Occasional cricked neck Skills required: A good sense of balance and a head for heights are essential

EXTREME SOUND ENGINEER (Experiment IV)

Duties: Working secretly for the military, you’ll investigate the possibilities of developing a lethal sonic weapon Pros: You will have the opportunity to experiment on live subjects Cons: As with any experimental radiophonic work, there’s a possibility you’ll be sucked into the machinery and become a sort of sonic sprite. You will also be required to make tea Skills required: Music GCSE

LITERARY INTERPRETER (The Sensual World)

Duties: You’ll be required to create new versions of popular literary passages. They must evoke the original but be different enough to avoid copyright complications – the ideal candidate will be able to make the words really step out of the page! Pros: Your creativity will have full reign Cons: We will occasionally require you to work in burning woodland Skills required: Powers o’er a woman’s body; must not be allergic to peaches or seedcake

THIS WOMAN’S WORK – Ironically Kate is unemployed in this video.

TOUR OPERATOR – CARIBBEAN (Eat The Music)

Duties: Involve your tour group in traditional activities including ‘looking at fruit’, ‘dancing on fruit’ and ‘passing out on fruit’ Pros: The fruit is plentiful! Cons: There’s just so much fruit Skills required: Fruit

DANCE INSTRUCTOR (The Red Shoes)

Duties: You’ll have sole responsibility for running practice sessions and assisting stray dancers from other dimensions Pros: Dance studio comes fully equipped with magic mirror Cons: Devils Skills required: None, but appropriate footwear is essential

AVIAN VET (And So Is Love)

Duties: Ensure wellbeing of birds Pros: The birds do not object to having their little bodies kissed Cons: The birds do tend to die Skills required: Lamp-lighting

WARDROBE CURATOR – GRACELAND MUSEUM (King Of The Mountain)

Duties: Keep Elvis’s famous outfits in good order, ensuring that clothes are secure and all windows closed on windy days Pros: Dancing with the clothes is permitted Cons: You will be required to undertake damage limitation in the event of any new Elvis rumours surfacing Skills required: General laundry

HIMALAYAN HERITAGE OFFICER (Wild Man)

Duties: Working closely with local lamas, you’ll be responsible for managing public perception of the ‘Yeti’ brand Pros: Free coat Cons: Snowy conditions can lead to a difficult working environment Skills required: Animal husbandry, brand awareness, tea-making

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