TV Pitches: The original Sugababes

The original line-up of the Sugababes – the shaft of the philosopher’s axe, if you will – are rumoured to be working together again on new music. But what if it doesn’t work out? Here are some ideas for TV shows they could collaborate on instead…

Overload

The concept: The group have 60 minutes (technically 44, once you allow for the adverts) to stop a nuclear reactor going into meltdown. Brian Dowling hosts.

Keisha: NO, Mutya! You’ve ejected the control rod!

Mutya: Control rod, control rod – that’s all you fucking talk about these days.

Brian: Hurry up girls! You don’t want your molten core to penetrate the reactor pressure vessel! [looks to camera] Though I wouldn’t say no after a couple of shandies.

ONE TOUCH

The concept: Late night discussion panel show in which the group discuss the thematic use of the idea of ‘one touch’ in the 2006 series of Doctor Who.

Keisha: …literally or metaphorically!

Mutya: Yes! And with the Abzorbaloff, the werewolf scratch, the New Earth plague carriers and even the Genesis Ark it’s clear that RTD was fascinated by The Empty Child‘s concept that one touch could scarily change everything and used it as often as he could.

Siobhan: Don’t forget the Oods’ little balls!

Keisha: Shut up Siobhan.

NEW YEAR

The concept: New Year’s Eve Hootenanny special in which the girls sing their original hits, with special guests including the acts they’ve collaborated with on their subsequent solo material.

Keisha: Nearly time for the big countdown!

Siobhan: And then I’m going to sing my big song from Rent to see in the New Year!

Mutya: Sorry Siobhan we didn’t get the rights to the backing track in time. But Damage are coming on instead!

Siobhan: Happy bloody New Year.

RUN FOR COVER

The concept: Survival warfare gameshow in which the girls are dumped in a battlezone and have to dodge gunfire and explosions in order to make it to a recording studio in time to record a cover version of ‘Get Sexy’.

Siobhan: I’m tired. So tired.

Mutya: Look if we can just make it to the bunker we get another twenty points. And a chance for the Autotune bonus!

Siobhan: It’s not enough, Mutya. We’re supposed to be keeping it real.

Keisha: Fuck that.

SOUL SOUND

The concept: ‘Ghosthunting with…’ special, hosted by Yvette Fielding, in which the group try to record a song in a collaboration with the ethereal sounds of departed souls.

Siobhan: I honestly don’t believe that’s Kenny Everett sighing.

Mutya: It’s giving me the willies!

Keisha: Shut up you two. I’m trying to concentrate. Dusty Springfield’s a bit sharp.

Yvette: Hang on ladies, I’ve got the ghost of WH Smith coming through over here! He says if the song doesn’t work out he’ll order some Sugababes wrapping paper.

Mutya: Bollocks.

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