What happened at my big sister’s wedding

By Bert, aged 3.9

It has been a while since I wrote an update but now my teacher says I should do one because my big sister Beyoncé has had a baby.

Last summer I was a pageboy at her wedding and when she was getting ready I accidentally saw that she was wearing special knickers that came all the way up to her shoulders. Although it was not really an accident because Beyoncé was walking round in her special shoulderknickers for an hour before she put her dress on and she was singing loudly all the time so I think she wanted to be noticed. Anyway you would not have known then that she was going to have a baby.

Before the wedding we had to stop in an Arboretum because Beyoncé needed a poo and as her pageboy I had to hold up her dress to make sure she did not get any poo on it. While she was waiting for the poo to come out she was going on about her last boyfriend and how glad she was that they had split up. She shouted that she saw the real him when he showed his ass. I used to like her last boyfriend though and so I did not tell Beyoncé that she had got some poo on the back of her leg.

Beyoncé had to shut up for five minutes at the wedding while they did the vows but as soon as it was over she was on about her old boyfriend again and how jealous he must be of her now and how she is completely over him and how she used to have feelings for him but she definitely does not any more. I felt sorry for her new husband because he looked a bit left out. Beyoncé also said her old boyfriend was the best thing she never had, which does not make any sense at all when you think about it.

At the reception there was a good buffet and I tried Prawns for the first time and learned a dance called Doop. And that is probably the night that Beyoncé and her husband started making the baby. I do not know how long it takes to make one but it has been at least five months since then so I think it started at the wedding.

She has called her baby Blue which I think is a stupid name. I asked her if the baby was named after the band Blue from the Eurovision Song Contest but she said no that would be stupid, it is named after the song by Eiffel 65. I remember that she used to listen to that song a lot with her last boyfriend so it is lucky that she does not think about him any more.

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