The ridiculous world of the deluxe album version

Björk’s taking the piss with a luxury £500 edition of her new album. Perhaps it’s time that other artists got creative and did the same.

Bargain

The Ultimate Edition of Björk’s new album Biophilia comes in a “lacquered and silkscreened Oak hinged lid case containing the Biophilia Manual, along with 10 chrome-plated tuning forks, silkscreened on one face in 10 different colors, stamped at the back, and presented in a flocked tray. Each fork adjusted to the tone of each of the tracks from Biophilia and covering a complete octave in a non-conventional scale.” Amazing. No, hang on, not amazing! What was she thinking? No, it’s alright, don’t write in, I know what she was thinking. FIVE HUNDRED POUNDS, that’s what she was thinking. I mean she’s never been shy of tapping her fans for a bit of cash, but this is an impressive new level of milking it.

Here’s how some forthcoming releases might look in game-raising special editions:

Will Young – Echoes

To reflect Will’s love of the dressing-up box, the deluxe album will come with a Will Young action figure and several interchangeable outfits so that you can play with Military tribunal Will, Circus artist Will, 70s Blue Peter Will, Equestrian Will, Superhero Will, Pregnant Will, Top Gun Will or of course the very popular Speedos Will. £75

Dolly Parton – Better Day

Dolly’s keen to rebuild bridges with the gay community after her recent apology  to someone who wasn’t allowed into Dollywood wearing a t-shirt promoting gay marriage (although she still supports the decision, saying the slogan was too controversial for a family theme park). At the same time she’s gearing up to promote the UK release of her new album by talking about her 1984 hysterectomy.

So the special ‘Hate The Sin, Love The Sinner!’ edition of Better Day will come packaged with a home insemination kit aimed at gay couples. (It is a standard insemination kit with a pink triangle drawn on it. Although in a terrible mix-up I’ve used a picture of a bovine insemination kit. Because I’m never above a cheap laugh.) £180

Example – Playing in the Shadows

Example’s ‘highly-anticipated’ third album is pitched at the youth market, so sadly no ultra-expensive special edition will be available. However every copy bought on pre-order will include a free hairbrush. £7.99

Tori Amos – Night of Hunters

Tori’s new album, released through Deutsche Grammophon (!), is “a 21st century song cycle inspired by classical music themes spanning over 400 years.” From Bach to Satie and so on. Yes, like Hooked on Classics. In keeping with the tracknames on the album, the special edition will include some snow, a cactus, a coffin, a ghost and the Moon. £4,500

Matt Cardle

Matt Cardle’s debut album — which I’m forced to assume will be called ‘Not Final Art’ — faces the difficult task of uniting his disparate fanbase, from the plucky painters and decorators who wish they too could go on a journey like his to the mums at home who voted for him on X Factor. And it will need to convey that Matt is a proper indie artist, not like the rest of the rubbish in the charts. So the ‘Genuine Geezer’ edition will be presented in a CD player fashioned to look like a plasterer’s radio, will come with a 28-page pamphlet in which Matt assures women of all sizes and ages that he finds them attractive, and will include just enough rope to hang yourself with. £28

Thanks to the lovely @itnorris for suggesting I write this post after seeing my rant about Björk on Twitter. Sorry that ‘Katy B trowels’ didn’t make it in…

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