TV Pitches: Pet Shop Boys

On the sad day when Pet Shop Boys finally call their music career to an end, what will they do next? I investigate some of the options.

OPPORTUNITIES (LET’S MAKE LOTS OF HONEY)

The concept: Neil and Chris compete in the beekeeping industry.

Chris: How are you doing Neil?

Neil: Well I’ve been putting a lot of thought into it.

Chris: How about your beehive?

Neil: I’m afraid it doesn’t work.

IT COULDN’T HAPPEN HERE

The concept: Neil and Chris solve murders by a process of elimination, in yet another attempt to revive the Cluedo format.

Neil: But of course! There are no windows in the library so the murderer wouldn’t have been able to throw the revolver into the garden!

Chris: What are you saying Neil?

Neil: I’m saying that it couldn’t happen here!

Chris: That’s another room off the list! And this case almost seemed impossible. Congratulations!

SOW HARD

The concept: Chris and Neil take on the challenge of seeding crop fields, only to find that — yes — it’s not as easy as it sounds.

Neil: Why the furrowed brow, Chris?

Chris: I’ve had it with this, Neil. It’s just too difficult.

Neil: Well why don’t you try?

Chris: Fucking hell. Pass me that seed drill.

I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT BUT I CAN’T GIVE IT ANY MORE

The concept: Oblique gameshow in which Neil and Chris, blindfolded, must try to fail shopping tasks in a supermarket without actually being told the rules. Presented by Davina McCall.

Chris: Okay, one more try. Have you got… the third item on my shopping list?

Neil: (chuckling) I think we must be out of stock. Davina – I don’t know what he wants but I can’t give it any more!

Davina: Oh Neil, you were so close. Actually the third item on Chris’s list is freeze-dried fish food – and you’ve got that in your pocket.

Neil: It’s lucky you can’t see my face.

DID YOU SEE ME COMING?

The concept: There’s an unexpected twist to the audition process as Neil and Chris seek to protect their legacy by finding “the next Cicero”.

Neil: What did you think of Barry from Bolton?

Chris: Messy.

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5 responses to “TV Pitches: Pet Shop Boys

  1. IT’S A SIN – Chaired by Denise van Outen, Neil and Chris have to choose which of three saucy scenarios presented by members of the public is genuine.

    LEFT TO MY OWN DEVICES – Neil and Chris are stranded, A-Team third-reel-like, in a warehouse full of mechanical components in Borehamwood and, under the tutelage of Professor Heinz Wolff, have to assemble the requisite machinery to survive in a post-apocalyptic world.

    I WOULDN’T NORMALLY DO THIS KIND OF THING – Neil and Chris go “behind the scenes” of the annual BBC newsreaders Children in Need “musical” “extravaganza” which, this year, involves pointy hats and 3D specs.

  2. Excellent work. I think Professor Wolff would be especially glad of the exposure.

  3. I must resist making some of these up too. I’ll probably have nightmares about it tonight, damn you! (very good, funny man).

  4. WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS?
    Neil and Chris chair a judging panel of the worst professional actors in long-running dramas and decide who has to star with John Barrowman in a new musical about his life a show-off in Scotland/America. With Burn Gorman as that one from Torchwood who came back as a ghost. As a ghost.

    YOU ONLY TELL ME YOU LOVE ME WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK
    Late night post-pub format where Neil (Chris calls in sick) visit the nation’s worst provincial gay bars for a match-making show with a twist.

    LOVE COMES QUICKLY
    This one was deemed too obscene for national TV but it involves Courtney Love and Monie Love with some special toys.

    SATURDAY NIGHT FOREVER
    A 24 hour telethon for charity where Whigfield and Suede tribute acts have to take turns to perform the same song over and over again. Neil and Chris are executive producers.

    I WANT A DOG
    Studio laughter-based sitcom where Chris wants a dog so gets a dog but Neil is allergic. Hilarious consequences ensue.

    A MAN COULD GET ARRESTED
    Hidden camera show where Neil and Chris team up with Patsy Kensit to trick male members of the public into committing crimes.

    I’ll stop now as I’m scaring myself.

  5. Ha ha ha ha! Don’t have nightmares!

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