What I did on the rubbish dump

By Bert, aged 3.9

I do not like my Aunty Katy. Everyone says she is really crazy and funny because of all the crazy and funny clothes that she wears but I have always thought that she is mean. And my mum says that she cannot sing as well as she thinks she can.

Yesterday we had to visit her and I was looking for my toy robot that I had left at her house. But Aunty Katy said she had given it to her new boyfriend. She is going out with that Kanye from the Halloween party but my mum says Kanye could do a lot better. “He’s going to bath his ape in my Milky Way!” said Katy, looking very happy. “I just want to be a victim and be abducted by him!” My mum told her she was disgusting and made her promise to get my robot back.

We went round to see Kanye and he had lots of new toys and gadgets. He said that they were “playing aliens” when Katy borrowed my robot. “Disrobe and probe!” laughed Katy and my mum gave her a terrible look. Then it turned out they had thrown my toy away so mum made Katy take me to the rubbish dump.

While we were looking through the rubbish Katy told me to stop being so upset about my toy robot, and she said I was being gay. I said I was not gay and she said she did not mean it like that, she just meant I was being pathetic. She said she was only being playful, like when she called her ex-boyfriend gay and told him to go and hang himself. “Anyway,” she said, “I’ve got nothing against gays, I even kissed a girl once. But I didn’t like it.”

Then the wind blew Katy’s skirt up and I saw that she had hooves for feet and I was surprised even though it was my mum had always said. Katy was not embarrassed and she said that we are all special fireworks and we should celebrate our uniqueness and diversity. I said I was cold and I needed the toilet and she told me to shut up and stop crying.

Finally we found my toy robot. But to be honest now Katy has had it I do not want to play with it any more.

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