The birth of the Cheeky Girls, expressed as a home computer text adventure

It’s the end of 1982 Week. But how better to celebrate the year? We all remember where we were when the Cheeky Girls were born, don’t we. And we all played those early text-based computer games. Didn’t we.


You are in a womb-like area in Transylvania. The walls are dark, red and wet. There is not much room to move around. There are exits to north and south.

> HELP

You are the Cheeky Girls. You are in a womb-like area in Transylvania. The walls are dark, red and wet. There is not much room to move around. There are exits to north and south.

> N

The exit to the north is too small for you to get through. You can see through the uterotubal junction into a Fallopian tube. It is a twisty maze of a passage.

> S

The exit to the south looks promising but is barred by an amniotic membrane.

> WHERE DO I GO

You never ever ask “where do you go?”

> OPEN MEMBRANE

You don’t have anything to open the membrane with.

> HIT MEMBRANE

I don’t know how to hit the membrane.

> WHAT DO I DO

You never ever ask “what do you do?”

> WAIT

You wait. Time passes.

> KICK

A hollow voice says PUSH.

> PUSH

I don’t know how to push.

> EXAMINE MEMBRANE

The membrane seems to be getting thinner and the exit to the south is widening slightly.

> S

You are in a cervix-like area. There is a bright light coming from the south which hurts your eyes.

> CLOSE EYES

It is pitch dark. There are horrible gurgling noises. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.

> MAKE LIGHT

This is no laughing matter.

> OPEN EYES

The light is getting brighter. You feel a strong pressure acting against you from the north.

> S

You pass through the cervix and into a bright, cold, open area. Your mother sits down and starts singing about gold. You are the Cheeky Girls and you have been born! Congratulations.

> TOUCH MY BUM

This is life.

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