This week it’s the final episode of Secret Diary Of A Call Girl. At its best it’s been fresh, funny, and happily non-judgmental about the hardest-working profession in the world. The scripts have been uneven but Billie Piper’s carried it all along with her natural charms. And when I say her natural charms, I’m not even talking about her norks. I like Billie a lot, and I think her relaxed charisma’s saved what might otherwise have been a tacky, forgettable series.
But as a nerd that’s not my main concern. Billie came to this show from Doctor Who, and, as things turned out, so did a lot of her co-stars. So if you have a tendency to get your fictional worlds mixed up (hello!) that’s a sort of geek catnip.
When Rose Tyler eventually returned to Who, she’d been crossing parallel worlds in a lovelorn quest to find the Doctor again. So it’s easy* to imagine that Hannah/Belle from Call Girl is Rose, living through alternate lives with the people she had, might and would have met in the Whoniverse.
I give you then, in rough ascending order of the characters’ importance in the worlds of Doctor Who, those crossover shags in full:
8. D.I. McMillan from Planet of the Dead (Adam James) – Episode 2.3
How’s the sex? Guilty. His visits to Belle are responsible for the break-up of his marriage. While noshing on his cock, Belle starts hallucinating that his wife’s in the room – awkward.
How does it fit in with Who? He’s the policeman responsible for chasing down the Doctor’s cat burglar chum Lady Christina, who’s always one step ahead of him. So it’s only natural he’d gravitate to original companion Rose. And be too dim to realise who she is.
7. Captain Reynolds from Tooth and Claw (Jamie Sives) – Episode 1.2
How’s the sex? It’s an exhibitionist hook-up at a sex party, which develops into a threesome.
How does it fit in with Who? The first time he met Rose, he famously asked the Doctor to “explain the nakedness of this girl!” Then, after getting told off by Queen Victoria for trying too hard socially, he got torn to shreds by a werewolf. No surprise that in this version of existence he’s a bit more free and easy.
6. Plantagenet from Frontios/Mr. Harding from The Sarah Jane Adventures: Mona Lisa’s Revenge (Jeff Rawle) – Episode 2.4
How’s the sex? Abortive. Already a bit put off by his 70s pimp gear, Belle runs off when she starts thinking about her new boyfriend instead. “You’re a prostitute for God’s sake!” he shouts, memorably.
How does it fit in with Who? It depends whether you see Belle’s client as the sickly head of a human colony in the distant future, or the distant admirer of a human head in the Louvre. Either way, this encounter doesn’t do anyone any favours so it’s best brushed over.
5. Captain Jack Harkness from Torchwood: Captain Jack Harkness (Matt Rippy) – Episode 3.1
How’s the sex? She looks like she’s really getting into it. Playful, passionate and intimate. She grabs his bum a lot.
How does it fit in with Who? *FANWANK ALERT* This is the original 1940s Captain Jack whose identity John Barrowman’s Captain Jack stole after his death, and later time-travelled to visit in 1941 for a dancehall snog. (Yes, I know. Pay attention.)
Now when Barrowman’s Captain Jack and Rose travelled together in the TARDIS they were supposedly on the brink of falling in love, but when re-united in The Stolen Earth/Journey’s End they barely had two words for one another. It’s odd, considering Rose was responsible for making Jack immortal, and he apparently mooned around the Powell Estate watching her grow up in the 00s after their separation. We just have to assume they’d both got it out of their systems before the reunion: Barrowman with Ianto and Rose with this, the next best thing. NICE BOTTOM.
4. Doctor Moon from Silence In The Library/Forest of the Dead (Colin Salmon) – Episode 1.8
How’s the sex? Powerful. He’s the multi-millionaire who’s so impressed with Belle’s ‘class’ that he tries to take her to ‘the next level’ as a ‘courtesan’.
How does it fit in with Who? Appropriate that the man who’ll become, quite literally, Best Friends Forever with another important woman in the Doctor’s life after her death should have a pop at Rose too. And that it should all turn out to be a bit of a pipe dream.
3. PC Andy from Torchwood (Tom Price) – Episode 3.3
How does it fit in with Who? We’re onto recurring characters now, and cult hero PC Andy has had one of the best character progressions in Torchwood, going from occasional comedy relief to full-on people’s hero.
How’s the sex? On the other hand this is one of the most unwholesome scenes in TV history, in which a dopey Welshman is shown to be incapable of sex unless he and the girl both baa like a sheep throughout. Lamentable.
2. Mr. Chandra from The Sarah Jane Adventures (Ace Bhatti) – Episodes 1.3, 1.5 & 2.8
How’s the sex? We see a fair bit of Haresh Chandra, as he’s Belle’s favourite client. And when I say we see a fair bit, I’m talking about a blowjob, a session up against a full-length window, a threesome, and one of the most vigorous and vivid handjobs I’ve ever seen on TV.
How does it fit in with Who? This is the closest Rose has got to the Doctor yet – he’s Clyde’s headmaster, Rani’s dad, and her friend Sarah Jane’s neighbour. And of all the characters in this list, it’s genuinely easy to believe that he’s the same guy, slipping away from Gita and his responsibilities for regular stress-relief sessions and calling himself Ashok. Sexy.
1. The 11th Doctor (Matt Smith) – Episode 1.6
How’s the sex? Fortunately for the delicate sensibilities of fanboys and fangirls everywhere, it’s off-screen sex. Matt’s character’s not a client, just a nice guy who meets Belle in the shop where he works and never finds out what she does for a living. We just get to see his “morning nuzzle”.
How does it fit in with Who? It’s the Doctor. Job done. I just suggest we hold this thought in the eventuality that the line “I work in a shop now” comes up in the next season of Who.
*OK, this stuff is only easy to imagine if you’re an addled old fool like me. But consider this: in the final series, Billie visits New York, and how does she advertise her services there? ‘Call Now For A Classic English Rose’