We are at war. It all started when @baradar85 was daydreaming about how much more fun Jay Sean would be if he were part of a boyband, rather than flouncing around in vests on his own. Ha ha yes, I said, and I turned my back for a moment to find he’d come up with the line-up and picture above, and a brilliant playlist for their debut album. ‘They’re called Originé!’ he said proudly. Which sounds to me like the boyband name you’d get if you asked the contestants on RuPaul’s Drag Race to come up with one, but there you go.
Posh boy Jay formed Originé after getting fed up with record labels telling him the world’d never be ready for a solo Asian R&B star. He originally advertised in the back of NME for ‘musicians’, but everything changed after he met Jay-Bee in an unnamed London nightclub. No-one knows for sure what was said or done, but the next morning they decided that the boyband route would be more realistic and profitable all round.
Which one is he? He gets all the female attention, does all the backflips and sings the choruses on all the biggest hits. You know the sort.
Age: 18 (NB His year of birth is uncertain, with different sources giving dates ranging from 1979 to 1983. The cruel ‘1979’ idea comes from the Birth Registry in Hillingdon, but who listens to those? For promotional purposes we’ve simply rounded down his age to the nearest number that’s 18)
Likes: Champagne, Hennessy, affirmation. [Edit: Jay also enjoys ‘keeping it real’]
WLTM: Amira from Eastenders.
Bad boy Riz was brought into the group by record label chiefs to whom he owed ‘a personal debt’. This cheeky North London scamp is half-Egyptian! Egypt is a very dangerous country which, as recently shown on Fox News, is between Syria and Iran! So nobody needs to worry that Originé isn’t edgy enough.
Which one is he? He’s very bouncy and he does the raps. You know the sort.
Likes: Wu-Tang Clan, Karl Marx, trainers.
WLTM: Dutty bad gyal dem.
Smalltown boy Nabil joins Originé from Høje in Denmark. He was brought in as a last minute replacement when an original Originé member mysteriously disappeared just before their debut performance on Ireland’s Late Late Show. He has always wanted to be a star, and promises to give it both “his heart and soul” and “110%”
Which one is he? He’s the ‘Jade Ewen’. You know the sort.
Likes: The erotic melodrama of the silent era; the increasingly explicit sex films of the 1960s and 1970s; the Dogme-95 movement of the late 1990s.
WLTM: Nelson Mandela, Emma Bunton.
Rugby boy Jay-Bee is the butch, masculine presence in the group. His laddish banter and antics keep all the other boys in fits of laughter!
Which one is he? He does the standing around and looking dreamy. You know the sort.
Likes: Ben Cohen, Gareth Thomas, Dieux du Stade.
WLTM: A nice girl who doesn’t mind taking it slow or taking the lead.
And in a shameless bit of promotion I’d just like to point out that the real Riz MC’s debut album is a brilliant mix of thoughtful, clever rap and fuck-off dirty beats. You can preview/buy it here. I’m not sure if Riz would find this article the ideal plug for MICroscope, but he does do this thing at his gigs where you have to decide whether you’re “cool” or “friendly”. And on that scale I reckon his appearance on this blog is his friendliest endorsement of all time.
UPDATE: I turn my back again for a few minutes and suddenly Originé have got their own Twitter account…