Monsters at home: The Resident Evil dogs

Zombie dogs. Zombie, zombie dogs. They snarl, they trot, they leap, they chomp. But after a hard day’s smashing unexpectedly through windows and chewing the living daylights out of you, how do they spend their gentler moments?

WHAT DO THEY EAT So, your average Umbrella Corp. zombified Dobermann obviously prefers human flesh. But when they slouch back to their kennels and curl up with a blanket, that’s not always an option. They have to leave someone around to clear up their necrotic doo-doos after all. So instead they take full advantage of their undead natures and gorge themselves on foods they would have been denied for boring “health reasons” while alive: chocolate, onions, raisins, and the biggest illicit thrill of them all, cat food.

HOW DO THEY SOCIALISE As dogs who’ve been infected with a genetically-engineered T-virus to make them psychotically aggressive, they can be a liability in the park. Owners are advised to let them hang out together in their natural environs, which include creepy deserted mansions and military experimental test islands.

WHAT DO THEY DRINK They don’t drink anything. They’re dead.

WHAT DO THEY WATCH ON TELLY The average MA-39 Cerberus tends to find itself disappointed with typical doggy programming. It watches with exasperation as the sheepdogs on One Man And His Dog fail to savage ANY of the docile tasty herd in the meadow, it barks at Lassie to get herself down the well and eviscerate Timmy to within an inch of his life, and it drools and slavers impatiently while the Blue Peter dogs sit placidly around. Don’t even mention The Littlest Hobo.  They enjoyed Animal Hospital with Rolf Harris, but only when the operations didn’t go well.

WHAT DO THEY DO FOR FUN It’ll surprise many that such a mindless, bloodthirsty creature should have hobbies, but they’ve got long Sunday afternoons to get through just like the rest of us. They’re in fact very embarrassed about their patchy, rotting, blood-soaked appearance and they’ve been trying for years to learn how to knit themselves little doggy coats so they won’t feel self-conscious while chasing STARS agents up and down corridors. But then they get frustrated and chew the needles up.

HOW DO THEY REPRODUCE We all know how easy reproduction is for zombies; one bite and you’re away. So the undead dogs of Resident Evil have tried to bring back a bit of the old sex-urge frisson by kidnapping poncy show dogs and forcing them to appear in gory home-made pornos. If YOU buy a copy of They Prey On Poodles, Borzoi Bugger-Pound or the notorious Shih Tzu Shit Splash, you MAY be liable for prosecution.

The lovely plush toy version of the zombie dog that I used in the main picture can be found here

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