Monsters At Home: The Weeping Angels

Traditional Monster Files just don’t tell us everything we really want to know. In the spirit of scientific investigation, let’s have a think about what really goes on behind closed doors after a hard day’s stalking, scaring and savaging.


WHAT DO THEY EAT Traditional Monster Files tell us that the Weeping Angels send their victims back in time and feed on the potential energy of the lives they would have lived BLAH BLAH. I’m more interested in what they eat when they can’t be arsed with all that and just want to slump in front of ITV2. And for a quick fix of potential energy, there’s no better source than the humble egg. I like to think of an Angel whipping up a quick frittata with an old spring onion, or perhaps a nice round or two of eggy bread.

HOW DO THEY SOCIALISE For creatures who turn to immobile stone as soon as someone looks at them, this is a tricky one. Which is why, on the rare occasions they venture out, they like the darkrooms at the rougher end of the gay scene quite so much.  We’ve all seen beautiful stone statues stuck on the roads around Vauxhall station on Sunday mornings, a half-drained bottle of poppers in one hand, a shred from somebody’s trouser-seat in the other. And now you know why.


WHAT DO THEY WATCH ON TELLY As creatures that derive energy from the lost and the might-have-been, they were big fans of Noel’s House Party, although they turned off in droves when “Blobby got too commercial”. These days they are big fans of All Star Family Fortunes, and have high hopes for Louie Spence’s Showbusiness.

WHAT DO THEY DO FOR FUN Solitary pleasures are key here, and so — unfortunately if somewhat inevitably, and with a heavy heart — I must invite you to picture our stone friends tucked away in crypts and bedsits, wanking almost continuously from dusk ’til dawn. Happily the vast amount of fine dust produced in this way is harvested and used to bulk out economy sausages and pies.

Bottoms as smooth as a sausage

HOW DO THEY REPRODUCE It was a tragic sight when they tumbled away at the end of their last Doctor Who adventure, revealing that they really do have ‘action figure undersides’ (a disappointment echoed here at Christmas when my fella rushed to “unwrap” his JB from JLS doll).

But as the show told us, ‘that which holds the image of an Angel becomes an Angel’. So after a long wilderness period spent trying to reproduce themselves by looking in mirrors, with confusing results, the Angels were greatly relieved when the age of Chatroulette and Twitcasting came along. If you see a profile that claims HOT STATUARY ACTION or CHISELED FEATURES or IMPRESSIVELY SCULPTED BUST, just don’t click on it. Or my next Monster File may be about you.

4 responses to “Monsters At Home: The Weeping Angels

  1. Michael Dennis

    As someone who himself was a big fan of Noel’s House Party, who also turned off when “Blobby got too commercial”, I’m glad to say that’s the only moment of recognition I had reading this. Well, OK, the only one I’ll admit to. And I’ve just admitted to liking Noel’s House Party.

  2. The thing I find most interesting about Mr Blobby (*room empties*) is that he was originally introduced as a Gotcha! gag; celebs would be duped into filming a segment with him, then the joke would be on them as Noel appeared to say HA HA HA OF COURSE THIS ISN’T A REAL TV SHOW. But within a couple of years these ‘no-one would actually make tv like this!’ segments had become the main style of the House Party itself.

  3. Michael Dennis

    That’s right, Bertie. Only we purists remember that now. And probably rightly so. A point Dan equally eloquently makes.

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